Episode 137: "Houdini's Waffles"

Date

18 October 2013

Guests

Chris Elliott Jason Wolimer

Origin of the episode title

Julie and guests discuss Neil Patrick Harris's membership in The World Famous Hollywood Magic Castle organization, speculating that a wonderful brunch served there might include a dish called "Houdini's Waffles."

Discussed

James Spader's sexiness as evidenced by "The Blacklist".
Julie's lost wallet.
Jiminy Glick proves that Martin Short is funnier than Steve Martin.
Eagleeye, the hit Adult Swim series.
Small dogs, little persons, and prostitutes.
Haunted houses, magic castles, and the interactive "Sleep No More" theatrical experience.
Scheduling problems at South Park and Alec Baldwin's new talk show.
Beard-trimming, death, and ComicCon 2013.

Trivia

• Neil Patrick Harris has visited the "Sleep No More" show approximately 7 times.
• Beards do not grow to the topography of one's face.
• Rides Julie will go on at a carnival: carousel, maybe a ferris wheel, NEVER a roller coaster
• Types of things that make Julie uncomfortable: punks, roller coasters, people who pressure you to go on roller coasters (like punks).
• This episode's monologue features the origin of The Word that Must Never be Used.
• Yo Gabba, Gabba is not a show for children. It is a show for a very specific girl in Portland.

Download the Episode

Episode Link

Monologue Transcript

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

I am full of great ideas and also two potato pancakes as I speak to you tonight. I hope you guys had a good week. Since I last spoke to you a lot has happened. Most of which happened on Friday night. That was the night in which I watched an episode of The Blacklist. By the way I do not know what is happening on that show but I would watch James Spader file his nails for an hour and I would have to use a hairdryer on the couch after.

I watched The Blacklist. Is it called The Blacklist? There were Chinese people on this particular episode. What else did I do? I know what I did. I lost my fucking wallet in a cab. This is what happened. I have not found it although I did track down the medallion number. Oddly enough it was a veal medallion. That is the worst joke. Ugh! I couldn’t resist it. I agreed to do our pal Jake Fogelnest’s midnight show. Even though I was killing time I still managed to be running late. It’s an issue of mine that I apparently don’t want to put enough hard work into solving. I’m only five or ten….It’s cute right? It’s like my Messiah complex that I have been nurturing. I told you about that right? I’m already over the perm. I like it but everyday it looks like a different creature. Didn’t I tell you guys I was going to develop a Messiah complex, that I was working towards that? Well I am. I think it would be a cute look, that and being late.

I took a cab over to the UCBeast and promptly lost my wallet, which I didn’t realize until the next day, actually pretty much moments after the interview you are going to hear after I get some stuff off my chest. That was the second title of this podcast that I floated after How Was Your Week. I lost my wallet in a cab. I found out it was missing Saturday in between doing an interview with Jason Woliner and Chris Elliott and interviewing them at Comic Con which was dreamlike in its brevity. That was another thing I ran late to, although to my credit it was because I was tearing my apartment apart looking for my wallet and then realizing it was missing. Whatever. This isn’t interesting except for ht fact that it is weird to have your wallet gone. First you go through the motions. You retrace your steps. You go back to the UCB East and no one recognizes you. Then they don’t find it even though they are perfectly nice. Then you check the Green Room and there are a couple of people who say hello. Then you call 311. You file a thing. They say call the precinct and you call the precinct. “We don’t got no wallets here.” Then you walk home and sort of open-mouth cry because you’re a little frayed around the edges, and you also didn’t get a lot of sleep.

I will say I have seldom had more fun that—let’s call it what it was, we live-snarked the CBGB movie which was illegal with Kurt Loder, Chris ‘Spoony’ Spooner and Natasha Lyonne. It was so fun but the next day I was dead to the world and I had to open-mouth cry on the street. That’s what New York is for! What do people in other places do? Do you guys cry in your cars a lot? That just occurred to me. Right? You guys probably cry in your cars. Oh man, cars are probably greenhouses for tears. We cry on the street here in New York City. Then I cancelled my credit cards. I talked to some friends who calmed me down. By midnight I was like, “Hey the Goldbergs is pretty funny. Just as my body is a wonderland, my brain is a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters.

This is what I like to go to at a carnival. I like to ride the carousal. If I am in a particularly brave mood you’ll get me on a Ferris Wheel but that’s it. I had a terrible experience with the Whip when I was little. I made them stop the ride. It’s fine. We all have things that make us who we are. So that was my Saturday night. By the way I did track down the medallion number of the cab driver today. It was the lamest episode of Murder She Wrote ever. I paid with a debit card and it was on my statement. There was a transaction number. Today I called TLC-Taxi and Limousine Connection-as said I lost my wallet. I said there are some numbers I have here GL… She said, “That’s the medallion number!” I felt like Francis McDormand in Fargo. “That’s the car! That’s the car! My car! My car! Be careful Margie.” I got the medallion number and they said, so and so garage, Classy Rides Inc, here’s the phone number. I call, someone picks up and you hear random noise of cutlery being used, and shout in the background with an echo effect. Then someone drops something with a thud of something heavy. After about ten seconds you say, “Hello? Hello? Hello?” I said, “Hi this is the medallion number…” They put me on hold to some pretty sexy music. Then came back and said, “It’s Mohamed.” It’s a Punchline of your spec is shitty, but it is also just what happened. He said, “Here’s his phone number but Mohamed’s sleeping probably because he had to work last night.” “Ok, thank you.” I left a message on Mohamed’s cell phone. I have not heard back from him.

I have reconciled the fact that my wallet is gone. I believe in Mohamed…I believe in Mohamed, good night everybody. I believe in Mohamed but do I have my phone number in my wallet? I’ll follow up with Mohamed. I’ll follow up. The good news is no one is dead. If you lose a wallet it’s not like you lose a limb. Also if you have your keys you’re fine. You can get back home where food is. That was the other thing. I was so lucky that I went grocery shopping because what is not a cute look? Asking friends for cash. That’s another one, “Can you float me bro?” Floating is the worst word. I know I used it already once in this podcast which I regret deeply. Floating something past someone, calling someone a floater, calling something a floater, everything having to do with floating is disgusting, that word should never be used. Please update Howwasyourwiki.com and start a category ‘The word that must never be used’ then have a trigger warning, you have to click this, and then prove you are human by entering some code and then it will take you to…I’m not evening going to say it again. I’m not even going to say what it is, the ‘FL-word’ and all of its permutations, tenses, uses, abuses.

I got a new debit card from a very nice man at Chase who ended the conversation this way, “Do you live in this neighborhood?” “Uh yeah.” “Well here’s my card.” I don’t know where people are going or what they want from me sometimes, that’s one of the many things I’ll be sharing with you in my Social Skills Workshop. It’s about my social skills. It’s a one woman show. I call it a workshop but really you come and see me and I do a one woman show and it’s about my childhood. I got a new physical wallet which is a weird thing to replace. It’s just a temporary one. I got it from Urban Outfitters and anything you get at Urban Outfitter costs $14 or $1000 and breaks immediately or isn’t flattering unless you are 20 and look like Anne Hathaway frankly when she was in Le Mis or when she won the Golden Globe.

I have a new wallet. I hate it. It’s got this section on the left where there are two elastics where you put your disgusting cash…the other nice thing about my wallet that I lost was that there was no cash in it. I’m not a germ person, I just think cash is gross, it’s not safe for me not…when I say safe I mean, you couldn’t eat a hotdog at any moment--you need to be carrying cash around with you at all times ladies and gentlemen and hotdog cravers alike. So there’s a thing in my new wallet where you put rubber bands over it and it keeps your cash in place. Ugh! Do you know what it makes me feel like? It makes me feel like I have an affectation like I’m a rockabilly; psychobilly girl and I have a cigarette case and a Kool Zippo lighter. I don’t even like smoking but I keep it with me because it’s part of my thing. People come with so many accessories these days.

I got a new wallet, a new debit card, and a new credit card. I need to get a new driver’s license which is very, very exciting. Who knew that to go to the DMV is an errand that will keep getting pushed to the day after the day you had it scheduled? That is going to be a real treat. I’ll have a whole podcast just about that! Fine. Who cares? I care. There is one thing I lost that I feel really bad about. I had one of David Rakoff’s cards that said ‘Official member of the David Rakoff Fan Club’. Hopefully someone will get me another one. That’s all about the wallet.

I had so much fun with Jake on Friday night. Also on Thursday night he had me on a live Fogelnest Files episode. It was cool because we had a real punk rocker with us on stage, a lady named Nathalie who was in the clips that he showed from the first episode of the Fogelnest Files with me and Gethard. Nathalie was a punk then, and she’s a punk now. Nathalie showed up and she was awesome on stage. She scared the shit out of me. Her friend also scared the shit out of me. Boy oh boy, here’s what I am not comfortable around; punks, roller coasters, people who might pressure me to get on a roller coaster like a punk. Don’t you feel like if you were with a group of punks the worst possible place you could find yourself is Six Flags? All of a sudden there are punks pressuring you to get on roller coasters. That’s all punks do. Am I correct? I just turned into Jiminy Glick. No one is funnier than Martin Short. No one is funnier than Martin Short. Steve Martin can go strum on Edie Brickell’s labia lips like they’re banjo strings until Lorne Michaels gets the check; nobody is funnier than Martin Short. Marty, Marty Short. I want to thank people who sent me videos of their dogs eating Cheerios. I asked for those and you listened. You snapped to the task. I cannot thank you enough. I watched them throughout the week but then right before I started talking to the microphone that is attached to my laptop right now, I watched them all in a row. They never get old. At no point does my interest dip or waiver. Dogs eating Cheerios is great. You guys did it except for Marnie Davis who fed her dogs carrots which is acceptable because it is funny to see a dog eat a carrot but the noise they make when they are doing it is ear poison. Marnie Davis I think you are terrific. That video is terrific and your dogs are terrific but that was not the assignment. Emily fed her dog Lucky Charms, that’s like in the category of things that are not food that your dog eats and ends up ok. Annette Isaacs fed her dog Heritage Flakes which helps me to understand exactly the demographic… it’s nice to know my listeners are eating heritage flakes and a lot of generic Cheerios which I do not judge you for. It was great! It was the best of times it was the best of times. Marnie Davis don’t be mad at me that I called you out for feeding you dog carrots. I do not envy you having to pick up those disgusting orange crumbs that they leave like Bruce Vilanch’s pubes everywhere.

This is a fun thing I read online today, in 1936 Orson Welles produced his famous black Macbeth at the Lafayette Theater in Harlem. Did you know about this? It is apparently famous. Do you know about black Macbeth? Do you know that Orson Welles directed a production of it? Why am I just learning about this now? Is there tape of it? Film, whatever, black Macbeth? You had me at black frankly. It was in 1936. 36 was a really good year for Jews and black actors who had their sides with them and were ready to audition for Orson Welles. Orson Welles would say, “Next.” Then a few rehearsals later you got black Hamlet. This is just stuff that I learned, that I pass along because the world is a crazy surreal kaleidoscope of colors, events, and things. By the way, I am taking mushrooms before each monologue, is it cool or is it really cool? Matt Stone and Trey Parker—everyone said they blew their deadline. Matt Stone and Trey Parker blow their deadline, an historic event. They have never once done it in history of South Park. They blow their deadline because of a power outage. They said ‘blow’ so many times, oh I should make a joke about how I want to BLOW them both and I sort of did but I also sort of didn’t. I also want to amend; didn’t I say a couple of weeks ago that I would never have a three way? That is not the case with the creators of South Park. Do you know what else, this is gross about me, or it’s stupid or it’s wonderful I don’t care anymore, I am really turned on by the idea that Trey in particular, Trey Parker just being stressed out to the point of exhaustion and then hitting the realization that he was not going to make the deadline and that they were not going to be able to get the show in on time and just collapsing emotionally. Getting really angry, getting really upset and then just barreling into acceptance. That moment of emotional inability and that he experienced it, makes me really horny. Sorry.

Hey look, you guys put things on other people. A lot of you put a lot of stuff on Louis CK that’s for sure. That guy can’t carry the weight of the world on those hunched, rounded shoulders of his. God, how much can Louis CK represent to how many people? He represents everything. He represents this think piece that I might write. Fatherhood blah blah hating yourself blah blah food. God he’s just one man!

I saw a woman walking a small dog. I am on the record for believing that all dogs is good dogs but I am not as big of a fan of the smaller kinds of dogs. I like bigger dogs. I appreciate that all dogs is good dogs. I saw a woman walking a very small dog down the street and I thought about the rationale that small dog people will have when lightly arguing/debating with me about why small dogs are great. Sometimes they’ll say (always women),”It’s like having a puppy forever,” or, “She’s fully grown but she’s always going to be a puppy to me,” or “It looks like a puppy even when it’s dying,” That’s just not true. Small dogs that are adult aged do not look like puppies. That’s as wrong-minded as the guy I saw in an episode of either Real Sex or Cathouse, it was definitely Cathouse who went to this filthy brothel in the state of Nevada which should be exiled, ex-communicated—Nevada should be Mexico. Are we all in agreement about this? America should have nothing to do with Nevada. The more you say it the more it just isn’t even a word. It’s like you are casting a spell-- Nevahda, Nevada, let’s call the whole thing filth.

There was an episode of cathouse in which a pervert, who didn’t mind having his face on camera while he was paying for sex, chose to make love to a little person. They have a little person on staff at Cathouse. The madam says, “Hey you never know, different strokes for different folks,” or something to that effect. She said, “I’m selling out my fellow woman for a couple of quick dollars, I will put up my nose because I have no respect for anyone. People are basically bad. We are all doomed and I eat cigarettes for breakfast.” I remember this little person giving an interview to camera saying, “Yeah guys like to fuck me because…” She offered a couple of reasons. The obvious is the exoticism of the experience. Then she offered one reason I thought “Huh?” I am bringing this back to small dogs. This woman, whose name I wish I knew, we’ll call her Loretta, said, “I think guys like w hooking up with me because I am so small. It’s kind of a turn on because I am kind of like a little girl.”

First of all, ugh! There’s no Vanity Fair article in the world that could encapsulate my disgust over…there’s so much going on there. But also what idiot would mistake a 35 little person for a 12 year-old? Honestly you shouldn’t be fantasizing about having sex with a 12 year-old, India. What if I just started a war with India? Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Dear Vice Magazine, are you still a magazine? Can I have a web series? I don’t like adventure. I have never done cocaine. The closest I came to doing cocaine is having 1/3 of a skim Chai this afternoon and I just bugged out. That stuff has too much sugar in it. I said it. I meant it. My point is that Loretta looks as much like a little girl as small adult dogs look like puppies. If you think that they are similar you’re stupid and possible sick, either way you should be tracked via GPS.

The creepiest scene in the Wizard of Oz is something that has plagued nations for eras and ages in turn. Obviously there are the trees throwing their own apples at Dorothy, which horrifying, and of course you have your flying monkeys. But the scene that I remembered, and who knows what triggers what these days, but I remembered the beauty parlor scene where they get to Emerald City and every time I watch it I think, oh it’s the end. It’s not. It’s closer than the trees throwing apples, but it ain’t the end. There are still a few beats. There’s the hot air balloon. There’s surrender Dorothy. I remembered the beauty parlor scene. They arrive at Emerald City. They get a hero’s welcome for some god forsaken reason I can’t explore right now. Is it slipper related? Fine. Please don’t tell me. I love picturing the 65 year-old theater queen right now white knuckling it, going over to his dell laptop and sending me a long-winding synopsis telling me precisely why the citizens welcome Dorothy with a mani-pedi-- boysintheband69@aol.com. I remember that scene being fucking horrifying. It wasn’t just because the Scarecrow’s version of getting groomed was for his whole body to be disassembled and re-stuffed while his head was still fully functional. What the fuck is that? That’s terrifying. There were women putting straw under his shirt. You don’t see what happens to the old straw. It’s probably burned for fuel.

The Lion is in curlers, which is a funny sight gag in a way. But even as I picture Burt Lahr’s makeup in my mind’s eye I’m uncomfortable. If the Cowardly Lion were on RuPaul’s Drag Race so much of my childhood would be less nightmarish, you know? You know. Why do we show movies from the 30s to children? Can we all agree that is not a good idea anymore? I’m not saying raise your kids only on Yo Gabba Gabba, that’s not a show for kids either. That’s a show for a very specific girl in Portland. If you are going to show a child something that was made a long time ago please make sure it’s a musical. Oh, The Wizard of Oz is a musical. It’s lousy. Oh my god what did I just do to boysintheband69@aol.com? His ascot is unfurling at the very notion. It’s just not a real musical guys. It’s just not.

Here’s a real musical, Funny Face, Redhead with Gwen Verden, she’s in the Redhead Hall of Fame. She was born in the Redhead Hall of Fame. Hey speaking of the Redhead Hall of Fame, guess who I met Friday? Julianne Moore. Did I interview her for this show? Yeah I did. That’s all. Julie and I are twitter pals. Her interview is just one of the many things you can look forward to on this god damned podcast. Do you know what? At the end of the day, it’s a fucking podcast. I think to myself what a wonderful world. Yeah, I interviewed Julianne Moore so you didn’t have to. What does she look like? She looks like a statue! She looks like a sculpture and a statue and a living breathing goddess. Next. Is she smart and funny? Yes, and also kind.

Why am I so angry?

Malala, do you guys know about Malala? She had the best week ever; Malala went on the Daily Show. She did the rounds. She did not go on Alec Baldwin’s new show, thank god. Can you imagine? Have you seen Alec Baldwin’s new show on MSNBC? I watched it Friday while I was killing time to stay awake. I had a very strong cup of English breakfast tea before I went over to lose my wallet and do a midnight show. It was a punk show. I steeped the tea bag longer than usual; I was staying awake by masturbating to the Blacklist. I didn’t masturbate to it. That’d be gross Larry. I watched everything on my DVR. I saw some tweets about Alec Baldwin’ show. Ok, let’s go sniff around this corpse. I turned it to what is it called? Staying up Late? Chatting it Up? Late Times…The set is a diner. It’s a diner. It’s a classic diner and there’s a booth where he sits with his guests. There’s a diner table and white generic coffee mugs where they are constantly drinking their invisible liquids and behind them there’s a photo, or a painting or an actual window with the skyline of New York City. It’s like the worst Edward Hopper painting you have ever seen. There is jazz music over the commercial bumpers. Alec Baldwin doesn’t wear a tie. He wears a jacket and a button down short. He also allows a woman, probably in a union, to rake her fingers through a jar of pomade and sculpt his hair into, I counted them, five points on his head in all different directions like he was the Statue of god damned Liberty.

He was interviewing DeBlasio who I like but whose earlobes are disgusting. There’s something about his earlobes that yuck! You don’t want to chew on them; I’ll put it that way. I have nothing against the man. Enough asking about his wife. It’s great how they met. I love who she is, but stop. Alec Baldwin asked, “Do you love your wife?” He didn’t ask that but he basically said tell me about your wife. He used himself to get deeper, every woman I’ve met up until the woman I have has been a lesson in what I want. Ugh! God damn it Alec Baldwin, drink your coffee. Get the check. Leave this diner. Never come back. I really want hat show to come back this week with extras in the back sitting in the booths at this imaginary diner so that way I can get a job as an extra. I an infiltrate his show from within by doing things that are silly while he’s going on about Boomer things and trying to blow people’s minds with his left-wing politics on a left-wing network. I also have this image of Anthony Bordain slinging burgers in te back, or in the fornt behind the counter at the grill. “What’ll it be Alec? Medium rare?” “No since yoga wife happened,” what’s her name? Oh god she’s got a great name, Hilaria. There’s appoint in a man’s life where he needs to decide if he wants his wife to be hilarious or Hilaria. Alec Baldwin made that decision.

I think Spoony’s in Main. I don’t know why. It can’t be good. He’s been listening to Charles Manson’s music on Spotify which means everything and nothing you know? It means he’s leaving a trail. I’ve asked him, have I asked Spoony straight out if he’s the Zodiac Killer?

What else, there’s wine for cats. People tweeted me this link. Someone in Japan made wine for cats in case you were concerned that they hadn’t. And what else? Comic Con. I went to Comic Con after I found out my wallet had been stolen before I had a little breakdown, I hadn’t eaten either. It’s all right to cry says Rosie Grier. Because I was late (I don’t need to keep dwelling on) I was met at the front by a very nice man who gave me an ID. He begged the guards to lets us right into the Javits Center. This very nice man held my hand and ran me towards the space where I had the pleasure of interviewing the cast and creative team behind Eagleheart, the show starring Chris Elliott. Being whisked through Comic Con when you are kind of nauseous, a little sleep deprived, and you just experienced a great deal of stress is an intense experience. It seems like it is not happening. Running briskly while all of these people are wearing slim good-body unitards and makeup and capes…in retrospect thank god I didn’t have the opportunity to absorb that. It was like those backgrounds in the later Road Runner and Coyote cartoons where Chuck Jones did he do those? Uh-oh, daffyduck69@earthlink is getting up to go over to his tablet to let me know. Remember how those backgrounds were like someone got a piece of water color paper wet and then did the water color on top of it. Have you ever done that? They just bleed into each other. It’s pretty cool.

That was Comic Con. I love talking to, and you’ll hear in this upcoming interview—I listen to them before they are published just so you know, there’s quality control here at Jimmy Jazz Incorporated. I thought to myself wow, I had a lot of fun with these guys. I’m laughing a lot. I am capable of joy. I’ve talked about joy and fun and how it is difficult for me. Anyway, I had a fabulous time with Jason and Chris and Koman and Maria Thayer. It was really nice. They had wraps backstage. I had a turkey wrap.

All right I have sufficiently lowered the energy and anticipation level of the show. I think it’s a perfect time to bring the guests out onto the stage of you mind. Here is an interview I did in my apartment this week with Chris Elliott and Jason Woliner, two men behind the show Eagleheart. Enjoy.