Episode 134: "Eat a Carb!"

Monologue Transcript

Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

I hope everyone is enjoying Fall Premiers on your CBS, ABC, Fox5, and the Peacock. The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl, and the Pocket Watch is how I refer to the four major networks. I watched the Emmy’s on Sunday, even though I didn’t think I was going to because I am a cranky baby who doesn’t like feeling left out of things like television. I was being a real grumpachino about the whole affair. I came to my senses. I said to myself, “Self, watch the fucking Emmy’s. Neil Patrick Harris is going to try too hard. Women are going to wear dresses.” Are you going to see people you know and feel competitive with and in some cases have slept with or sexted with very recently? Perhaps. But will Melissa Leo wear something crazy? You bet.

Melissa Leo showed up to the Emmy’s wearing…I physically can’t describe what she was wearing. I can tell you that she showed up wearing it. If she were in front of me wearing what she wore to the Emmy’s I would say to myself this is a character who maybe would own a shop in a strip mall in the suburbs. It would have funky things. It would have scarves. It would have prints, like safari prints. Earrings would be popular at this store. It would be called something like Up Your Alley, Something Special, Something in Particular. When I grew up here was a shoe store in the Golden Horse Shoe which was the epicenter of suburban retail, at least in proximity to my home. You could walk to the Golden Horse Shoe. That was where Seven Woks was, the Chinese restaurant where my family and I ate dinner every Monday night. I had the champagne chicken. In that strip mall there was Party & Paper Paradise which was a really fun store to go to if you were in 5th grade and wanted to make your own assortment of Jelly Bellies and look at cards that were slightly ribald. There was also a shop called Shoe Inn. This was a shoe shop. Shoe was spelled S-h-o-e and Inn was i-n-n, a place you would stay. I don’t remember how old I was when I put it together that shoo in was an expression but I can tell you to this day when I see the term shoo in and I see it spelled s-h-o-o I think to myself that’s not right. That can’t be right.

I’m really glad that Bill Hader is not overexposed since leaving SNL. I’m not excited about SNL. I’m kind of sad. It’s like I have finally grown out of it. My guys are gone, who are your guys? Lock the gates! I don’t care. I know they gave Cecile B. Demented; she’s a very nice girl. Women in comedy need to support each other. I don’t give a shit about any of these people. Here’s who I know, Bobby Moynihan, John Mulaney-untouchable. John Mulaney doesn’t even work there does he? Please don’t tell me. Do you know what it is? At a certain point you don’t like something because it won’t have you and then you just don’t like it. This goes for institutions as well as people. Oh I like him because he is rejecting me; I like him because he is unavailable. Invariably you can’t like him because he’s being completely shitty. Then at a certain point in time you think I don’t like him because he’s a shit bird. That’s where I am in regards to this last heart break which I experienced which I have been talking about. I wake up and think what? That guy!? Ugh! What an asshole. This is all about Jack; this is all about me not dealing with a five year relationship being over. You knew that though. My friend Holly knew that.

To her credit she introduced it as the following thing when I was in tears about Shitbird, “If I may, I think this is about Jack.” Spoony said the same thing. How many of you are jealous that I can go to Spoony and he can give me advice about dating? You should all be jealous. Spoony is the best. Can somebody add to the Howwasyourwiki.com a section on the differences between Spoony and Dee Dee Ramone? Let’s just start that. One difference is that I don’t think Spoony has ever turned tricks on 53rd and 3rd for drugs. The rest you guys can flush out.

I am really glad Colbert won an Emmy. I know this doesn’t affect me in anyway whatsoever. Any man that can spot while he does spins, which we’ve discussed in that Daft Punk performance, deserves precious metals. Colbert is the best. I have nothing, nothing bad to say about Colbert. Congratulations to Jeff Daniels for winning his well-deserved Best Actor Emmy for the Newsroom playing Will McAvoy and then also we learned he’s in two bands. Good for him. Good for Carrie Underwood trying to sing was it Imagine? What the hell was that? Don Cheadle just eulogized everyone. It was a bad show. It was not a good show. The fashion was terrible. There weren’t any good dresses. Mindy looked good. Oh Sofia Vergara- yeah Sofia Vergara in a red dress, congratulations--so fucking boring. I like looking at dresses online. I like looking at red carpet slide shows. That’s part of, there’s a very particular part of the brain where you see yourself coming up with an opinion and you like having an opinion. A lot of it has to do with wanting to be acknowledged for your taste, like going to a gallery and saying I love this painting, I don’t like that painting. Isn’t that interesting about me? It’s not. The truth is it isn’t.

If you have a girlfriend that likes clothes, my friend Renate and my friend Jodi, you can say oh my god look at this Alexander McQueen thing. They will react oooh. That’s fun. That’s nice. But if you just tweet-Best Dressed-Claire Danes, which is not true. Oh my god, Claire Danes, come on. But some saran wrap around the chicken cutlets, do you know? It was a bad show. Am I done talking about the Emmy’s? No. The Creative Arts Emmy’s were on Saturday. If anyone can find the full version of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog did a bit on FXX, they cut it down. If you know where the video is, ideally the longer version is can you send it to me because I wrote a very funny joke about Kevin Spacey’s pool party and anal sex. I believe he closed with it. Alex Scordelis also wrote some jokes. I have to say if you hear a joke you wrote coming out of that fucking puppet’s mouth in Smigel’s voice there’s something about it. It’s very great. It’s great. I’m not going to lie to you.

I will lie to you at some point in my life. I’m pretty honest though for the most part. I’ve got nothing to hide, except for this mole. I’m getting a mole removed tomorrow. You’ve probably seen it because all I do now is post selfies on my Instagram. I’m a walking cliché of someone acting millennially who’s not a millennial. You’ve seen this mole. It’s on my chin. It’s not a big deal but it really bothers me and I’m getting it cut off tomorrow. I’m going to get two stitches and then I am going to have a band aid on for at least a week. It will be weird for the person I’m having coffee with. You don’t think they are going to be staring at it. They will. They’ll look in my eyes, but they see the band aid. When someone has a band aid on their face it’s all you can think about. It’s like if you were the kind of guy that brought an iguana onto the subway and it was on your shoulder. Do you know if this stops at Chamber’s street? You’re distracted by the iguana. I hate to spell it out for you.

Why did I tell you I was getting a mole removed tomorrow? That’s none of your business. Is that my way of being honest? I just am. I should say to myself, all the news that’s fit to print, we don’t need to publish all the news. Editing is not dishonesty. Yet I feel the need to tell you. Why do you have to be so transparent? Why do you have to broadcast your dreams? My mother looks at my Instagram. I got a call from my mom saying your perm looks great but you are prettier than Bette Midler. Thanks. I saw it on your instagram. I’ll keep that in mind. She’s welcome to. I’m a public figure.

Is it time to talk about my perm? Pa, pa,pa, pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa Perm. That was me channeling Beverly from the Ronna and Beverly show. The only other podcast beside the Fogelnest Files and The Best Show that you should care about, and Throwing Shade, and certain episode of WTF specifically the Michael Keaton one. I got a perm because my emotions are a utility drawer. It’s the drawer where you keep the Philips head screw driver and there is also extra buttons. I got a perm because I am broken hearted and I want to express myself with my hair. I figured this out. This is a really good idea. Whenever you are feeling in some sort of transition or feel like garbage, just make your hair look crazy. I got extensions in February when Jack left. Now I am serving Bette Midler in The Rode 24/7. This is all me too, no more extension on this head of hair. I feel good ethically about my relationship to India. This is not a fun perm chat. Here’s the thing I got a perm. It looks fantastic. I also got bangs-perm bangs-I have no idea how to maintain this thing. I am supposed to buy a pick I think. Here’s how you dry a perm, you towel dry it. You put a bunch of product in it; you put a diffuser on your hairdryer. You lean forward and do you bangs first. Then you do your left side. If you were a dog you’d be dipping one of your ears into some gravy. Then you do the other ear. Then you flip yourself over and then you look like Glenn Close in the Big Chill. That’s when you need to bring the curling iron out. Curling irons right now, modern curling irons don’t have clamps. The new curling iron looks like a ring sizer or if you want to be dirty about it, it doesn’t look like a butt plug, forget it. It could be used as one. Anything could be used as a butt plug.

This is how you use a modern curling iron. You take the curling iron and wrap the piece of hair around the curling iron, you hold it there for a second then you let it go, then you just tug on the hair.

I have four blisters on my hands. I’m fine. I’m fine. Who cares? I’m not a hand model. Thank you for bearing with all of the selfies. I feel very good about my hair. I think that it is a waste of time for any woman to think about her weight unless she is unhealthy and you have to deal with diabetes. But I am saying the whole, “Oh my man left me. I am going to eat a cupcake and then I feel bad about the cupcake.” Fuck it, just go to a woman who know what she is doing that has hair you like and throw money at her. Throw money at her until her facial expression changes. Keep giving her money. What is that from? That’s from stand up. I didn’t mean to steal your joke stand up person. If you know whose stand up joke that was please let me know. Was it Jake Johannsen? I had a crush on Jake Johannsen when I was in eighth grade because I am interesting. Anyway get your hair done or get a tattoo is you like tattoos.

I don’t have any tattoos. I did have a dream about being a little girl and scribbling. In the dream I was looking over my little girl self’s shoulder and I saw that I was scribbling three hearts in a row on the piece of construction paper. In the dream I remember thinking to myself that if I had a tattoo that’s what I would get. This little girl’s idea of love, which is apparently three-way based. Just kidding. I am just going to say this, “I will never have a three-way.” If I change my mind I will be honest about it, but I am not going to change my mind. I will never have a three-way. I don’t think it’s very Julie.

I have learned that after the third bourbon, I become a preacher. I went out with Ted ‘Teddy’ Leo the other night and Jodi. We had a couple of drinks. I noticed that after the third I become loud. I become confident and I begin imparting wisdom, but it’s not the combination of those three things that makes a preacher. My sermonizing is defined by….let’s just say I’m dabbling with a Messiah complex. I say that just because I feel like it might be a cute look for me right now; it might go with the perm. Dying you’re your sins etc…Last night I got very, I wish I could say Christ-like, I had a sermon seemingly prepared. I don’t think they brought up Kristalnacht, I definitely did.

Did you see Breaking Bad? If you didn’t skip over this part, I am going to ruin this week’s. Do you know what they did on breaking bad this week? That you should skip over if you don’t want to know? They killed Jessie’s girlfriend, Andrea, at gunpoint in front of him while they made him watch. As far as I am concerned that’s the only thing that happened. Other things happened too Robert Forster yeah, but that part made me so upset. It made me as upset as when Hank was killed despite Walt’s pleading and then the Nazis took his money. Why do I bring this up? Because these are things that Nazi’s do. These are things that Nazi’s have always done. I’ve only had half a bourbon but this is where I am at right now sermonistically.

Nazi’s are really into making people watch as their families or loved ones are subjected to horror. Nazis are really into the voyeurism of sadism. Nazis are very, I believe, psychosexually attracted to the notion of you watching as they destroy things that belong to you. That is the essence of Kristalnacht, chaos on your time. Do you know how many synagogues have been destroyed? Let’s say it was the year 0, maybe it was before 0. I’m not very good at history. This is Ted Leo’s forte. Will Forte, I’d like to see more of. In a given week before AD/BC etc… forty thousand synagogues were destroyed in a week at least, probably more like seventy thousand because you have to take the conversion chart. What is it? If you died at 30 in the Bible you were really 40 because years were longer? Whatever it was, there were so many temples that were destroyed. And it wasn’t just because they didn’t want temples there, it’s because they got off on destroying them with that sadistic chaotic…I know they weren’t Nazis at the time. They were Nazi-esque. This actually bleeds into the only Germans can be Nazis sermon which is not a well-supported thesis. In other words, that’s a very short sermon. Often times people prove me wrong within my first two sentences and I have to admit that no, I didn’t read Hitler’s Willing Executioners from cover to cover. I brought it on the beach, what did we do? A day trip to the Hamptons? I got the gist of every chapter. It’s very dense. It’s very academically written, but his thesis is that anti-Semitism is marbled into the flesh of German history. Those people…those people, if you are German, Hi, you’re probably fine. I probably want, well I don’t even know if I want to have sex with you. I try to read the descriptions before I see the photos. I think more globally. I’m trying to read the essay first, I’ll out it that way.

What was I trying to say? Only Germans can be Nazis? Fine. Some people will say yeah but what about this asshole from, sorry Spoony, Syracuse or Buffalo? He’s skinhead and he was really into watching while so and so kicks another person with Doc Martins in the face. I say all right, Neo-Nazis were attracted to that philosophy but…I don’t know. Let’s compare the Spanish Inquisition with the Holocaust sometime. That would be a good use of my time. I would be very curious to see how the Spaniards compared to the Germans in turns of organization… my point is nothing that happened on Breaking Bad cannot be explained historically. If they don’t get mowed down, by they, I mean the Nazis, this Sunday, then Vince Gilligan really is out of his fucking gourd. Everyone is giving him the benefit of the doubt in terms of there being a method to his madness. If Skylar dies, sure it will be a tragedy but can people deal with it? Certainly the trolls that think she is a cunt...By the way Anna Gunn who deservedly got the Emmy. She was very, very thin at the ceremony. She gave an interview to People Magazine saying, “I feel so much healthier now, when I was shooting Breaking Bad I was on cortisone shots and that’s why I was so puffed up.” What was wrong with you? She said, “I choose not to disclose it.” I didn’t like that. Because I don’t care if it’s true or not, you weren’t puffy. Skylar looks like a woman that Walt could have landed. She looked like a normal attractive woman, maybe she was out of Walt’s league. You weren’t puffy Anna Gunn, calm down. Eat a carb! Am I right?

I feel like Andy Kindler when I say things like that. That is not a bad thing.

Krokodil is very in right now. Krokodil is a hot new drug from the Soviet Union that brought us Syria interference and gay murdering and the Olympics. See? I read the news. I read more than the Toldya’s and ‘Member thems? Do you know that feature on TMZ? ‘Member them? It’s a picture of someone you remember as a child actor and then you click and they comment whether or not they find the person to be sexually desirable or not. The commenters say, “I stick my dick in a pile of mud and eat out of a garbage can.” If you could train pigs…If you could train actual pigs to make YouTube comments their comments would be really nice.

The other thing that Ted and I got into the other night during the bourbon sermon was a little game called What Kind of Jesus would Jimmy Jazz Be? If Jimmy Jazz were Jesus Christ, my cat, jimmy Jazz is Christ-like in many ways. He’s very gentle. He’s kind. He’s loving. He’s peaceful and he’s also male. I told Ted that I didn’t think he’s the kind of Christ who would say, “God forgive them for they know not what they have done.” I don’t think he would say that because in his mind people know all things. Ted said, this is me paraphrasing embarrassingly, there was a passage in the New Testament, which I have not gotten around to in which Jesus goes up to some sort of Mount. He’s there with Moses and someone else. I forget who the third person is. Don’t worry the punch line will make it worthwhile. I said, “Really Jesus interacted with Moses in the New Testament, it was fan fiction?” he kept telling the story. We’re good enough friends that he knows when to steamroll over my interceptions. He comes down from the Mount and someone maybe Peter, maybe not, comes up to Jesus and asks, “Do you know God? What is God like?” Jesus, again I am paraphrasing, says,”I know God as much as you know God,” or, “I am God as much as you are God. We are all God. God is in all of us.” That is what I gleaned from that story. In conclusion, I believe that’s the kind of Jesus Jimmy Jazz would be.

I am lifting the bird ban. I have been errant in posting your pets and animals listening to the podcast and pretending to read my books. I am now going to mention that if you have a bird I want to see your bird listening to the podcast and or interacting with any of my quality branded products. Why? Because it’s time. On the show we have Dr. Irene Pepperberg who has given me new insights into birds. Are they dinosaurs? In some ways. In other ways they are chimpanzees. That is fucking mind-blowing. You are going to love this interview but I am not done talking about other things. The point is we are lifting the bird ban. You are free to send photos of your pet birds doing the approved things.

I found out that the Clay Aiken production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat was in Maine and that it’s over which are two unacceptably…if you want to talk about witnessing horrors…I was very upset when I heard that. We have talked about the image of Clay Aiken as Joseph, long red hair spinning constantly in a coat of many colors. It came to pass that I texted Billy “Have you ever been in a production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” He said no but that he played the King of Siam and sweat through his bald cap. But I said we need to find out what that Clay Aiken image is from and if he’s going to be on Broadway because if he is going to be on Broadway I want to go see it. He agreed. I said I’d ask Doug. I emailed Doug who works for Billy on the Street and is used to researching things that have nothing to do with his job. He sent us a disturbing article that said that Clay Aiken’s version of Joseph ran at the Ogunquit Playhouse a theater in Maine and had its last show on August 25, 2013 which is tantalizingly close to the current date. I am very upset. I am very upset I missed this. I really hope it makes it to Broadway. I want to see Clay Aiken spinning around in that coat more than anything in the world.

I went on an internet date with someone who was very attractive but I don’t think I am going to hang out with him again. He is a camera operator. Oh that’s interesting, what kind of stuff do you do. He said, “Mostly commercials because I operate a camera called the Phantom.” I laughed. “Why are you laughing?” Because that’s the funniest thing I have ever heard. What does a Phantom do? “It photographs things at a very high frame rate so that when played back the footage is in extreme slow motion.” To which I immediately asked, “So you must have done a lot of projects where dogs are shaking themselves dry and you see their slobber going everywhere.” That is the only thing I have seen in extreme slow motion in the last five years…when was the internet invented? That’s what I think of when I think of things in slow motion. It’s like a self-selection. That’s what I have in my world—dog’s shaking themselves dry in slow motion. I assumed there were a lot of those gigs. He said there are a lot of food gigs. Baskin Robbins, food being prepared, burgers with a bun falling onto the patty, people watching food being assemble din slow motion. In the case of Baskin Robbins I asked is it like scoops plopping and hot fudge streaming and gooping. He said it was more about the coffee and the milk combining in slow motion over ice. He said, “What do you do?” I said, “I’m a writer.” You should write something where you could use the Phantom and then you could hire me. “Yeah, I’ll write it right now. A dog runs loose at a Baskin Robbins. I’d watch that for 25 minutes. It depends on how much trouble the dog got into. If the dog got into a lot of trouble I would watch it for much longer.

What else has happened in the last week? I posted a photo of myself on my private Facebook and then I took it down immediately because I realized my nipple was showing in it. I have since photo-shopped it out because these is productive days. I believe I am going to be interviewing Camille Paglia if all goes to plan I should be interviewing Camille Paglia on Monday. I know that she is a controversial figure. I know there are a lot of my feminist colleagues that take issue with her. It’s hard to universally agree with her. I happened to think she is absolutely brilliant and I have been a fan of her writing since college. I think she is really funny. Whatever, I think I am going to be interviewing Camille Paglia. Why am I bringing this up? Because, especially if you are one of my fellow feminists and you have questions for her or want me to challenge her in some way, I encourage you to write to me between now and Monday because I do want to represent you, even though the conversation will mostly be me representing myself. That’s exciting. I hope it works out. If it doesn’t, sorry. I’m exhilarated at the prospect of talking to her.

Did you see this video; I guess it was a super-cut on Gawker and Hufpo of cats knocking things off of surfaces for a good five minutes? It’s just all that. It’s hilarious but it is also…I talked to Iren Pepperberg a little bit about cats but mostly this interview is about birds and one bird in particular, why cats do that. I know the answer is because they’re dicks. I know they’re dicks. But there has to also be some sort of biological or evolutionary imperative reason for cats to like knocking things off. When Jimmy is about to knock something over he is entranced. You can say no loudly. He knows what no means. He really does, but when it comes to knocking something over, he is going to do it. He really wants to. There’s a curiosity and innocence to it. He doesn’t seem like he is being a dick. It seems like he’s doing it because there’s something in nature that makes cats want to do that. Naturally I googled it because I have been working from home and it’s not a great fit at this point in my life. I googled why do cats do that? I ended up on some psychotic message board which was way creepier than the NAMBLA message board I ended up on last week. As I mentioned working from home is not working out for me. If you have any free lance work outside of my apartment, please get in touch. Don’t be gross when I say that. “I want to see that nipple you photo-shopped.” Calm down! We all want to see that nipple.

I googled why cat knock shit off of surfaces. These cat ladies use a lot of emojis. They said we call it the gravity test. That’s funny, those cat ladies—I’m completely one. The closest explanation came from one user, I wish I could…we’ll just call her Flabby. She said they do it because if it is not moving they think it is prey so they swat at it and watch it fall. After it falls if it moves then they chase it and if it doesn’t they walk away. Close but no, closer than a gravity test. Wouldn’t it be great if the movie Gravity were about cats knocking things off of surfaces and into Sandra Bullock’s mouth.

I am very excited about our guest this week. I have been a fan of Doctor Iren Pepperberg’s since I was a child. I remember watching documentaries about her work on PBS. I have always been fascinated by animal intelligence. Irene Pepperberg is a pioneer in animal intelligence research. She worked for years with a very famous, unfortunately now deceased, African gray parrot named Alex. You can learn more about Irene and Alex from Emily’s Wicks’s fantastic new documentary Life with Alex. You can by the DVD of the documentary at lifewithalexmovie.com. It’s beyond a film about non-human cognition and learning, it’s about a special animal, a special relationship, and exactly how much we can learn about ourselves as human by opening our minds about how animals think. I have seen Dr. Pepperberg speak a couple of times, once at the 92nd Street Y. She is very attractive. She has long brown hair. When I saw her she was wearing a short skirt. She showed up at my apartment. She smelled great. She was wearing a purple blazer and purple eye shadow. She had a lot of silver jewelry on. On top of that she is completely brilliant. Emily Wick is no slouch either. She had gotten in touch with me. She’s a fan of the show which is already a bonus. I was incredibly flattered beyond belief to host Dr. Pepperberg in my apartment. Jimmy came out halfway through the interview, looked around and then went back into the bedroom. I don’t know how to introduce what she did in her studies. She worked with this African gray parrot and taught him things you wouldn’t believe birds were able to learn. Because he could speak and use language he was able to articulate things like the difference between two plastic keys. Irene would say, “What the difference, what’s the difference? What’s different?” Alex would says, “Color.” “Which one bigger? Which one bigger?” She’s have a small ball and a big ball. “Which color bigger?” Alex would says, “Orange.” Invariable he was right. He would get a treat. Irene Pepperberg was maligned during a lot of her career. She faces a lot of haters, doubters, and sexism which I ask her about. I know I am doing an unusually long ramble before this interview but I want to give you some context as to why I find these two guest so exciting. Most importantly Dr. Irene Pepperberg is the first guest we’ve had on the show who can honestly say I am friends with Temple Grandin. So without further ado here is my interview with Emily Wick, creator of the new documentary Life with Alex and Dr. Irene Pepperberg. Enjoy.