Episode 127: "Like Fuddruckers but Expensive"

Monologue Transcript

Hello. Hello. Hi everybody it’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.

I’m feeling a little sad right now. I found out that Karen Black died before I am recording this. I’m sad, not because I was the biggest Karen Black fan but David Ozanich was and David Ozanich also dies this year. If you look in the archives you can find an episode in which he and I talk about his favorite Karen Black performances. I hope somewhere she is hanging out with him, making him laugh and telling him crazy stories with no self-awareness. Oh boy. There’s nothing like starting off a show with death that reminds you of more death. It’s been a year since David Rakoff passed away as well. That’s why I’m starting off sad this week.

What can I do with that? Well I can remind you to love each other so that’s good. I can recommend the movie Nashville which is also very special. I can just continue to be completely transparent with you about my emotions which is not meaningless. I like having this weekly opportunity to check in with you. That’s why I am sad to announce that Time Warner cable has not taken me off the air like they did to CBS. Do any of you get Time Warner Cable and CBS isn’t where it used to be—Channel 2—now it’s Starz Kids and Family, which is fine. How’s Letterman’s summer? I used to watch a lot more late night talk shows than I do which made it all the more revelatory when I saw that Colbert clip the other day. You guys have seen it. It’s a two-parter. There’s a clip of Stephen Colbert dancing. I really do believe that the mark of an extraordinary performer or comedian or comedic performer, I’m not exactly sure what this philosophy is but what I am getting at is you should be able to watch them simply dance for an extended period of time and it should be wildly entertaining. You should find yourself laughing even though, the part of your brain that thinks about what the game of this is, is turned off. You are experiencing pure joy. That is what Colbert can do in addition to one billion other things. He can use his voice and body to sing and dance in a way that is so gratifying to bear witness to. And bear witness. He’s a living example of why when your mother tells you to take piano lessons or ballet, and you do, and then you have a tool in your tool box. If one day you are as extraordinarily talented as Stephen Colbert you can pull it out and use it and dazzle people until they are blinded with what they think is the joke of it but really is just your star-power. There were two parts, one was the clip of him dancing, and the other is him telling MTV fuck you because he had booked Daft Punk and MTV said you can’t do that because we have exclusive rights. So he had an amazing fuck you to Van Toffler, an MTV executive, which is something that Letterman would have done to NBC executives. It was so cool. I’m sorry but it was punk rock ok? It was almost as punk rock as the new trailer for the CBGBs show with Malin Akerman as Debbie Harry. I have no idea what to make of that.

That was one part that was so well written with a couple of jokes in there about the French not being very good with exclusive relationships. Oh my god! I’m not a sports person but you keep hitting things. Homeruns? You got to watch Colbert dance. He spots his turns. Among other things, Donna McKechnie, one of the best turn spotters…Turnspotting was my favorite 90s movies that took place near a terlot. There are so many turns at the end of Music in the Mirror. That’s when you are doing turns and your head is the last thing to whip around so you don’t get dizzy and throw up. You get to see Colbert doing that and reaching full extension when he and the Rockettes are dancing from the side. Even though the search engine optimized headline would be Watch Colbert Danced to Daft Punk with all of these celebrities, Bryan Cranston, and Henry Kissinger, every frame you are only watching Stephen Colbert. That is…to paraphrase Waiting for Guffman, there’s only one other person who can do that and it is Barbra Streisand.

I saw Buyer and Cellar. It was incredibly great. It’s a play which takes place in an antique shop below Barbra Streisand’s Malibu home. It’s not an antique shop, it’s a mall of fake stores in her cellar where she keeps things that she doesn’t have room for upstairs. She decided one point to display them like they were stores where you could shop. That’s the premise. I apologize if I am ‘mansplaining this to you because you may very well know. She went on Oprah and showed the pre-taped video tour of her home and it was like a Mill. It was like a fucking Stew Leonard’s. It opened with her VO saying, “I’ve always loved water. That’s like if you took your writing instructor’s voice very literally and were to start an essay as generally as possible and then narrowed down the first paragraph to a fine point. That’s her narration style.

Buyer and Cellar takes place there and is so brilliant, wonderful and funny. I’m trying to get people involved with the show so you don’t need to suggest. Barbra Streisand is someone who is not punk rock.

Have we discussed this? An idea I have had over one too many bowls of late night raisin bran. I say, “Liza’s punk rock, but Barbra’s not.” Someone who may or may not be in my head or on Gchat will say, “Uh-huh.” I’ll know he agrees with me. Liza is punk rock. She is. She was hanging out at Studio 54 doing god knows what. She’s royalty. Forget it. I don’t need to explain to you why Liza is more punk than Barbra Streisand. What does that make Cher? It makes Cher David Bowie. God. I’m so angry now.

I used to rag on Lovelace. Wasn’t Malin Ackerman originally going to play Lovelace? I’ve gotten to the point where I have come to terms that I am going to see Lovelace. I am probably going to see Lovelace in the theater. Theaters? I’m going to see Lovelace in every theater in Manhattan and review it on Yelp! each time. I am already depressed about it. I know they fooled around with taglines for the poster—Go Deep, that sort of thing. One of the rejected taglines was-Porn Ruins Lives, because it does.

Gloria Steinem was at the premier which was weird. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what’s good or bad. I know that CBGBs movie looks terrible. Why didn’t they cast Adam Driver as Joey Ramone? Who is asleep at the wheel? A lot of people. I think it was a group drive. If the production of that CBGBs movie…is that what it’s called? That CBGBs movie? If the production of that CBGBs movie was a bus, it would be organized so that the majority of the seating would be behind the wheel, which I know is a tough visual because it makes the bus look horizontal. But maybe it’s deep, more like a theater sort of style seating. Everybody’s driving that bus. Where’s it going? Directly into the lake.

What do you guys think of a lake? Do you prefer a lake to a pond? That’s another thing; Barbra had ponds built for her. That’s not unusual for the nouveaux set. It’s easy to make a pond. What does it require? An afternoon, a hose, and one of those machines that has a claw and says CAT on the side of it. I don’t know what those are called. Do not tell me. Dirt diggers?

I remember when I found out that CAT stood for caterpillar. Does it? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s some sort of dreadful acronym. But I was disappointed because I thought it was referring to kitty cats.

The Mumford and Son music video is terrible. I need to say this because not enough happened that I am angry about. I am so angry about how bad the Mumford and Sons video is. Are people saying it? I don’t know. It’s so bad. Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Ed Helms, and Jason Bateman are in it. They just lip-sync to a Mumford and Sons song and they leave. There’s no joke except for that those guys are funny guys. It bummed me out. It was phoned in. It was lit like a catalog. It was either lit like a catalog or the cover of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. I’m sick of all this folksy shit. Is folksy the new whimsy. Is this what it’s come to? Were not into polka-dots and cupcakes anymore. We’ve turned around and now we’re into brown leather, when Ralph Lauren said, “Throw a violin up there with the shirts. It will be like Fuddruckers but expensive. That’s what we have instead of good old-fashioned soulful, I didn’t know what I am going for here. There is Har Mar Superstar and his album is fantastic. There is good stuff out there, but Mumford and Sons? The Lumineers? Is this Steve Martin’s fault? Is this Steve Martin’s fault for going Bluegrass? Is this the head of the snake we need to cut off in order to get to the rattler?

I don’t know if you guys know this about me but I’m a little bit country. I’m more country than you think you know, than you even think that you know. I’m not talking about Taylor Swift country. I have no disrespect for contemporary country recording artists. I know none of them. I know Reba. I like 70s country, not ironically. What am I a 90s bitch? That’s a current reference from a song. Who sings that—Iconapop? Fuck Mumford and Sons. How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store. That video isn’t funny. I’m sorry. It’s not funny. I have nothing against those guys.

Michael Kay on D-listed said that Zach Galifianakis is probably pissed the he wasn’t in it. I feel like Zach Galifiankis dodged a bullet. I can’t make it work guys, sorry have fun. “We’ll shoot it on your farm.” No, sorry my landlord doesn’t want any more banjos… It’s not even the banjo. I love a banjo. I don’t have any..I don’t discriminate…maybe the didgeridoo, but as far as musical instruments are concerned, bring on the banjo, bring on the fiddle.

Do you think Britney Spears knows that the thing you play the violin with is called a bow? I’m sick of faux folksy. What bothers me about it also is that it is under the veneer of that hyper-masculinity. I have a mustache. I eat bacon like Ron Swanson. You’re a nerd that’s scared of everything. Don’t tinker with what you think other people look at old photos of your dad and glean from you. I know this is defining something in negative terms but that’s not what a man is. Do I know what a man is? What am I a rabbi? What am I Rabbi Schmuley Boteach?

By the way speaking of Jewish things. Finally, I’m back in my niche. Now Julie is going to talk about something she does know something about. The Princesses of Long Island ended with Tashlich, is that what it is called? Tashlich-one throws bread into…look I know what this is. I have done it. I have done it at Rye Playland actually which is on the Bay. I believe it is on the Long Island sound. Anyway, at the end of the high holidays, for those of you who don’t know, forgive me for ‘mansplaining or Jew-splaining as it were. At the end of Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, and Simchat Tora, is that the trilogy of terror? At the end of all that jazz, Jews go to a pond, a lake, an ocean, or a bathtub, a Japanese soaking tub like the ones at the Rivington and we symbolically throw our sins away in the form of taking bread. We throw bread out a lot in the Jewish tradition. We do it at Passover. I have distinctive memories of going to the Bronx Zoo and feeding Matzoh to the ducks. Matzoh is duck food when you think about it. Don’t think about it too hard everybody.

Yes Tashclich, you go you have some bread, you throw it in the water. It is supposed to wash away your sins. Ideally there are ducks so it is not wasteful. That’s what these hookers did at the end of the Princesses of Long Island. It was fantastic. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. I was watching it and thinking who’s going to get this? The people who are watching it, you idiot. Do you think you are the only person why gets the joke? The people who made it. How about the people who are in it? Have you ever thought of that or did I just blow your fucking mind? The Princesses of Long Island is a good show starring one good person. That person’s name is Snell. I am very fond of Amanda. I think Jeff should have asked her to marry him. I don’t think he’s gay as I have mentioned in the past. I am looking forward to more of it. I hope they make more of it.

Real Housewives of Miami is coming back on Monday. I originally said I was going to recap it for Vulture. I cannot do that right now. I’m a little bit too slammed. I’m too crazy to be taking on a new show to recap. I will continue to recap Beverly Hills and New York City. I will be watching Miami so I’ll be talking about it. I don’t think Karent is going to be a series regular, or no she’s not a principle. She is not a cast member but she’s going to be a regular on the show. It’s a disappointing phenomenon that she’s not going to be a full housewife because her name is Karen with a ‘t’, and she was a dentist. I think it will still be worthwhile.

I am very excited about Face Off coming back this week. I am very much enjoying this season of Catfish the musical starring Niv as Hitler. Niv is not as bad as Hitler. Max on the other hand…ugh! I would hate fuck Max from here to Timbuktu. He’s so hot and yet he’s Max from Catfish. Oy. They had a woman with a glass eye this week and a guy who was an asshole who was sending her pictures of his dong. He was very very angry when he found out she was fat because she was in a car accident and the steroids made her gain a ton of weight. The boyfriend who was driving the car at the time abandoned her and made fun of her missing eye. This is what she says. You also have to be a little skeptical when you do meet Catfishes. This is what I have learned.

I want to finish the story just so you know exactly how big of an asshole this guy was. First of all he smoked during his interviews which is something you should never do. Don’t smoke on camera. Unless you’re Lemme. He had a Brodown. He came back home after he met her. “She totally lied to me bro.” It sounds like you were helpful in this person’s life during a tough time. “ She totally lied to me bor. She was just using me to feel better about herself. She was going to kill herself. “She was fat bro.” If you’re a woman you can get away with genocide before you can get away with being fat. I say this because I have killed so many people, this week alone. As long as you’re white…I am not getting on anything except that when you’re woman and you’re fat you’re judged so unfairly. It’s terrible. It’s so terrible. It’s the worst thing. Unless you are in Africa in which case there are other terrible things around you. I’m not very well informed. I read Huffpo Columns mostly.

There are some colorful columnists. Can we agree to disagree about that? This guy wrote a column about why he hates Neil Patrick Harris. Here’s a column it just says, “Shark Week is a Disgrace.” Here’s one by a guy named Mark Vigorito. He wrote a column called Why Neil Patrick Harris is just the Worst (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-vigorito/why-neil-patrick-harris-is-just-the-worst_b_3697243.html).

This I how it begins, I don't spend very much time thinking about celebrities, really.

Is everybody’s buckl buckled?

I don't read People or Us Weekly. Even in a waiting room, I'm more likely to pick up a news magazine or, heck, even Better Homes and Gardens(though I need to be clear that neither my home nor my garden is what anyone would describe as "better").

I’m going to fast forward here—second paragraph.

Usually the only times I read about celebrities are when they have committed a crime You’ve established you don’t care about celebrities. Third paragraph My brushes with fame are few and far between. When I was in college, Audra McDonald and I knocked each other over on the stairs at a studio in New York.

What? Why are you including this anecdote in your article on why you don’t like Neil Patrick Harris? I’m going to do you the favor of skipping over the next paragraph because it is just a link to a blog post yelling at Rupert Everett. Something, something, my son’s summer school…

And then along came Neil Patrick Harris.

Ok Mark Vigorito you do no t take the writing class that said get to the point. Before Neil Patrick Harris came out, got a gorgeous and talented partner, and had kids, there weren't any really widely known models of gay dadhood for people to assume that I would be like.

First of all Clay Aiken, aka Joseph and the amazing Technicolor gay coat. I’m going to stop readin this now. Basically I think, I haven’t read to the end of this, but I have a feeling that this column s Mark Vigorito is saying he hates Neil Patrick Harris, but what he’s really saying is why are you so perfect? I hate Beyonce.

Oh my god even as I said that out loud I think, you can’ say that out loud. It’s like saying the Mumford and Sons video isn’t funny or that Adele is overweight. By the way Adele is overweight. I love her. I think she’s perfect. She’s not skinny. How’s that? Can I say that? I can’t even say it. Can’t spray it.

The point is nobody thinks about you Mark Vigorito. You’re entering this conversation. This is a conversation. Comments get paid views because that’s the only way people know how to make money with the internet. You realize that right? We’ve come from sitting on yoga balls in loft spaces of dot-coms that look like Tom Hank’s bedroom from the movie Big. Now the only way we’ve found to make money off of technology, except for that tumblr guy, and Hoodie Dude-Zuckerberg, is trolling for page views-clicky clicky clicky. I just posted something stupid so that you’ll click it. Then you said something stupid. You’re going to refresh so that people respond to your stupid thing. Hey man I have a take on all kinds of shit including commenter culture.

The fundamental problem with that is that you are opening the floor with people that start their stream of thought with the premise that everyone else thinks about them as much as they do. Mark Vigorito goes into this by paragraph 6 or 7 assumes that people expect him to be like Neil Patrick Harris. People don’t expect anything from Mark Vigorito. Emily Gould made this point once in a blog post relevant to my interests, or not relevant to my interest and then you have a link—Nobody ask you about your interests. Not everything is a form you fill out that asks you what your favorite movies are. I don’t know I am probably being a crany-cranktagon, Crankypuss.

Last week when I talked about what my type was my friend said, “Oh you like a little dirt in your sandwich.” I remember the examples of the guys I had given for her to glean that. She asked what kind of guys do you like, and I said, “Well, Steve Buscemi in Living in Oblivion, Michael Shannon, and Vince Gilligan.” Every time I see an interview with him-oh my god!!! There’s something about him. There’s some contrast in his face that I really like. There’s something about his dark… I know he has the Zappa but it really works for him. Is that a Van Dyke? I don’t like the word dyke. Anyway mentioning my lust for Vince Gilligan was the thing that evoked my friend commenting I like a little dirt in my sandwich. The truth is I do.

Hugh Laurie has an album out now, it’s his second album. He sings blues jazz and standards mostly. What is it called, Didn’t it Rain. Google Hugh Laurie Didn’t it Rain and find the cover. He’s sitting on a tiny bench playing a tiny toy piano. I think he’s one of the sexiest men who ever walked the earth, though I don’t know what’s going on with his hair plugs. You can’t do it. This album is weirder than when Scarlett Johansson just wanted to sing Tom Waitts songs. We let Scarlett Johansson do whatever she wants. That was when were wondering about Scarlett Johansson- is she going to be James Franco? It turned out she’s going to be Sandra Bullock—is she Sandra Bullock? Nope, she’s just boring. Do you think she liked Blue Jasmine? I didn’t see Blue Jasmine, do you know why? It’s not on demand in my apartment. What a week.

Sharon Stone is around which is good. At least she’s being photographed with a black eye. We saw Lady Gaga naked. Not to be old-fashioned. Not to let me Gen X show, my Gen X freak flag fly, but how far into her career was Madonna before she finally got around to showing us her gash? She waited. It wasn’t until ’92. Kids today and their pacing. I have some business to attend to. Citibike update- you will get a photo of me on a Citibike by the end of the summer. That is happening. The photo shoot is happening. Spoony is going to art direct it. Spoony is going to return an additional week. He is out of town. He quit his job. Bless his heart. He’s starting a new one. He has a daughter on the way, and Spoony don’t loaf. When he comes back he and I will take a photo of me on a Citibike and it will be humiliating. That’s happening. I was going to be in San Francisco this Saturday the 10th and now I am not. I apologize. I cannot make it to the Outside Lands Festival. I will be at Bumbershoot with Ted Leo. Finally there’s a photo of Gena Davis going around where she’s in her League of their Own costume holding a bow and arrow. There’s a few things I know about Gena Davis, not many. One of those things is that she used to be an archer. I guess she still is. Another thing I know about her is that she’s a member of Mensa. I also know she used to date Jeff Goldbum before he realized I can’t date my own age. That’s my Jeff Goldbum impression. I just found it.

Cronuts…no cronuts yet, just plenty of cookies from Trader Joe’s/ I’ve been working with our pal Jake Fogelenst and a cast of crazy character from Billy on the Street full-time. I have been eating more sandwich cookies than I have ever eaten in my life including kindergarten. Yes, I’ve had some Joe-Joe’s from Trader Joe’s, the oreo’s that are somehow sweeter and less chocolatey. I’ve also had a couple of EL Fudges. Is that the plural? Oh man! Those were a lot better when I was a kid. At least my memories of EL Fudge the man, the cookie, they are not that good. It’s probably coco content. Why don’t I muse on coco content of sandwich cookies for a little bit longer? The point is I am having a really good time writing. I just wish that I knew how to write and not eat at the same time. I am in this room. It would be good to have the Larry Sander’s treadmill. I just want to be Larry Sanders. It’s so depressing when it comes down to realizing your life goal is to be… What’s your dream job? To be a character that existed once, but didn’t in real life. Now if he did, he wouldn’t be working.

I see Shandling sometimes. He’s on twitter antagonizing Tom Scharpling. Then I saw him in the Johnny Carson documentary. Are you sure you don’t want to get the button-down out Gary? Or maybe a size up in that T-shirt so we don’t have to…We don’t all have to be thin and perfect, unless you’re on Catfish. Maybe put a jacket on if you’re going to be interviewed. Put a jacket on if you are going to be interviewed. Just a rule—I don’t care if you’re a girl of a boy. Put a jacket on if someone is going to interview you. Can it be an army jacket? Fine, Jack White. Why haven’t I had sex with Jack White yet?

I unfollowed two people on twitter today who were conversing with each other and my ex. They were @ each other. Already Frick, Frack, and invisible. Klausner out. I got an offer for a threesome. Someone emailed me out of the blue, a stranger asking me if I’d like ‘try’ a three-way which is something that…it’s not like trying a cronut. I don’t know. I have never had a three-way. That’s out there. I’m fine with it. Another thing Jake played in the office was that Pat O’Brien voicemail. He was so coked up you could feel his mustache was like a pine tree full of snow. It was caked with blood and cocaine the way his voice was on that voicemail. I just want to watch you eat Betsy. It was disgusting. He was talking to a lady, a woman, the Sydney Leathers of her time. Poor Sydney Leathers. Please keep a low profile. Pat O’Brien wants to watch a woman eat Betsy. Ugh!

How’s Cannibal Cop doing? Does Cannibal Cop know about Cronuts? Did I miss anything? Guys, I feel like we’re all doing the best we can. Rob Sheffield has a new book out. It’s really good. You should buy it. It’s called Turn Around Bright Eyes. It’s about Karaoke.

I’ll plug the fall. I wouldn’t mind wearing a sweater soon.

Howwasyourwiki. You should absolutely go to Howwasyourwiki.com and update it with facts about the show. There’s a lot of great stuff going on there right now. If you need suggestions about new categories to start I would say, what if you start a category about where the title of each show comes from? Huh? That might be fun. What is someone figures out how to upload a photo of Jimmy Jazz to his area? He really is my joy boy. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m not all corners. I can act, as the musical Hair once taught us Black boys are delicious certainly, but also that it’s Easy to be Hard. I’m not quite sure what that song is about but I am way more of a softie than sometimes I put myself out there as. I tried to watch a video of a baby elephant yesterday and I couldn’t even get myself through the first few seconds. It was too emotionally dire.

I come home and see Jimmy Jazz and think to myself, look at this Joy Boy. I ask him where are yo going to dinner? You are very formal. You are my tuxedo boy.

Tip Spoony…

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