Listeners' Favorite Monologue Quotes

Episode 155 "All I know is it’s silly to chase fun when all you need is the ground underneath you to be solid. And I don’t expect to be one of those people that does cartwheels in yogurt commercials. I wanna be the cartoon character in that antidepressant ad who has, like, little lines under her eyes, and the divot in the middle of the pill is the pill’s mouth… have you seen this ad? It’s very good. It’s for Abilify, which is not a word."

Episode 152 "I'm a little cranky. I'm also fine. I contain multitudes."

Episode 151 "Why would anyone, anyone, ANYONE, even a dog, especially a dog, waste a steak on a swollen eye? It's the most expensive ice pack in the world! Get some goddamn frozen peas, you bourgeoisie, yuppy piece of shit."

Episode 151 "We've been tricked, Jerry."

Episode 147 "I just want a teenage girl with too much eye makeup and lip gloss over her cold sore... I just want the TRASHIEST girl with the CRUNCHIEST hair to put something she doesn't need into her bra and walk out of a CVS. That to me is as American as smooching in a car on, what is it, lookout point?"

Episode 146: "The Opposite of Rock & Roll" "I went to a party last weekend in which people insisted on telling me they like "World Music." So, if that doesn't encourage you to send me money via Paypal, I do not know what does."

Episode 145 "Nate also hates Rachel Ray and I wouldn't be surprised if he had a Google alert set up for Rachel Ray and murder."

Episode 144 "(John Travolta and Olivia Newton John's) version of Baby It's Cold Outside - and I'm including Erasherhead in this - is the weirdest thing I've ever heard or seen."

Episode 144 "When you're around people that are different from you, you realize really quickly that not everybody is delighted by you."

Episode 144 "There are parts of me that I can improve, and one of which is the satisfaction with just doing something instead of doing everything."

Episode 144 "I am trying to smash the patriarchy in dribs and drabs. I do a little bit every day. Like today, for example, I didn't listen to someone!"

Episode 140 "Foreplay is so weird and so gross that there was a name for the stuff you had to do to a woman before you got to actually stick it in.”

Episode 138 "Now, sometimes James Spader wears a hat and sometimes he does not. He is UNBEARABLY sexy on this show, which is a statement I stand by. Sorry. I think James Spader is so goddamned sexy on this show and in general. I don’t care that the hair is gone, I don’t care that he doesn’t look like Steff anymore, he will always be Steff to me, he will always be the guy from Secretary whose name doesn’t matter because YOU ARE SO HORNY that you don’t care."

Episode 135 Re. new ideas for HWYWiki content: "Favorite Monologue Quotes. Why not? These make me feel good when I don't want to Google my exes. You know what that's called? Dialing Pain."

Episode 135 @_andrewjohnston tweeted: "I picture Alec Baldwin reading the Grey Lady - and that's the only grey lady in his life."[1]

Episode 135 "I do like that network television was like - what was it people liked about Breaking Bad? It was the hat right? Let's give this guy a hat."

Episode 131 "Here's a fun game: Which Manson family member is your cat? Mine is Ruth Ann, because he's very beautiful and young, but I could be wrong, he might be Diane Lake."

Episode 131 "I want a BOYFRIEND! I said it! It feels so good to FINALLY SAY IT!"

Episode 131 Re. HWYWiki: "This is your playground, Goddamn it. Is there a message board on here? I don't know, there should be. Look, you guys should meet each other, and be comfortable with each other and love each other. Should there be sex? Yes, yes there should be sex."

Episode 127 "How dare you be called Mumford and Sons and not be a yogurt shop made up to look like a country store?"

Episode 123 "Those salads caused AIDS."

Episode 97 "I helped myself to a glass of milk. Isn’t that disgusting? Isn’t that, like, the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve ever heard of, like, a grown woman drinking a glass of milk? In the commissary area of a workplace that isn’t hers? I would’ve called the cops, if I’d worked there and passed me: 'glug glug glug glug,' 2% too, 'glug glug glug glug glug.'"

Episode 95 Re. 'The Guilt Trip': "... and his mom says, 'Oh, Wal-Mart! My son, I'm so proud, he has a meeting at Wal-Mart!' That's a dumb person thing to say. That doesn't make sense. I could get a meeting at Wal-Mart. Could I get a meeting at Wal-Mart? How long would it take for me to get a meeting at Wal-Mart, now that I'm thinking about it? Would they Google me? Would they be like 'Mmm ... not her'? That'd be flattering. People who are paranoid are, ultimately, just like, not spinning it right."

Episode 83 "Anthony Bourdain and his television show, it’s like the living equivalent of The Doors. And Ottavia Bourdain said something on Twitter this week about how she was, like, running out of toilet paper 'cause she had the shits or something like that. (sigh) Oh boy. And we think Honey Boo Boo is the problem."

Episode 30 Re. Nancy Grace's nip slip on DWTS: "Nancy Grace's nipple was the other ... (sigh) ... thing we all had in our eyeballs earlier this week. Here's the anatomy lesson America: That was an aereola. That was like a purple, wine-stained...saucer...of Nancy."

Episode 30 "Emotionally, Americans never mature past the bratty, Christmas-list making children...that all of us...are."

Episode 30 Regarding Dr. Phil (McGraw): "He doesn't seem like a shrink, he seems like a country doctor who will make a house call...or a barn call...and check on your mule, who's been acting funny."

Episode 2 "I watched two Stanley Kubrick movies in a row, which is not...that's me in a bad place."

Episode 2 "I think Bill Maher and Anthony Bourdain should have an asshole-off."

"All dogs is good dogs."

"What's the name of that Ricky Gervais show? Is it 'Martin' or 'Luther'?"

"The Peacock, the Eye, the Owl and the Pocketwatch."

"Will network television ever crack men?"

Re. 'Face Off': "And they had to make giants because they were promoting that giant movie. What's it called, 'Giant'?"

"I don't know if Kathryn Bigelow is a lesbian ... but she certainly makes movies like one. It's a compliment! Is it?"

"What do you think happened the day Mary went crackers?"

Julie: Who's the most famous person on 'Dancing with the Stars'? / Billy Eichner: I don't know, Ralph the Motorcycle Mouse!

"Matador, by the way, is Spanish for master, from what I understand."

"Where did Nazis find the time?"

"You can't interview a corpse ... without the right LIGHTING!"

"Who has money I can steal with my nose?"

"Heathcliff is Garfield surrounded by garbage."

"All of 'Rent' is a little much."

Julie looks up Foghorn Leghorn on Wikipedia: "'He is a big, white rooster.' Fantastic."

"Open on a six-year-old who's scared and alone. Where is she going today? To school, where no one looks her in the eye."

"What's Molly?"

"Are you excited about Adam Sandler starring in 'Candyland'?"

"I'm at the point right now where I'd enter into an arranged marriage just to have someone to watch Mad Men with."