Episode 120: "We're All Smart"

Monologue Transcript

Hello everybody. It Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week.

I’m not going to lie to you, I am really ready. I’m so tired. I’m so tire that I’m tempted to call myself tired as in, “Mommy’s so tired.” Which means I should stop while I have the wherewith all to know that is unacceptable. I had a really great time these last couple of days on stage at Joe’s Pub doing Too Gay for Brooklyn. It was so fun. Thanks to all who came out to the show. Cabaret huh? Who knew? Who knew that wearing a gown and observing things over a piano music bed and a live setting would come so naturally? It was so fun. Do you know who came to the second show? Marilee Wilson- Greeting from a black woman in Hallifax, Nova Scotia. She’s the person who set that template up, the meme I guess. To be honest most of the emails I get from you start greetings from a gay man something something. I’m not complaining. It’s Pride Month everybody. I have never been prouder to celebrate Pride Month.

I’m not dealing with the fact that James Gandolfini is dead and I don’t intend to. I found out about it right after last night’s show. Spoony looked at his phone and said James Gandolfini died. I said what? Then I drank a glass of white wine like a marathon runner would. What’s the first thing a marathon runner drink when he or she crosses the finish line? Milk? I don’t know. It’s not like I knew the guy but I am in shock that one of our great actors is gone suddenly. I’m also thinking of it in terms of who are stars are. The fact that I consider him a great television actor and I don’t care about films anymore. There was a piece going around in the Arts and Leisure section about how film stars don’t sell magazine covers anymore. I don’t feel like film stars sell films anymore. At least to me, I don’t care that Angelina Jolie is in a movie. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen Angelina Jolie in anything, her leg—what are you? Where are you from? Or Julia Roberts, whenever I hear her voice, she on an insurance commercial or a bank. She seems like your cousin Claire or Sally. Give it a rest. I find films not elitist but sort of scarce. There are only five movies out and four of them are based on comic books. They are all over four hours long. I hate to be the grumpy gus about where movies are right now but the last time I saw a movie in the theater, oh I saw Frances ha, that’s a bad example, that’s the other side of the spectrum what bad things can happen when you’re not doing something based on a comic book.

I don’t know. James Gandolfini had such a specific resonance to any girl who loved her dad. The episode of the Sopranos that first got me to watch the Sopranos because originally the Sopranos was a show like Mad Men. Everyone said it’s so good you have to watch it. I got into it after Big Pussy was gone, that season. I fell in love with it and think it is the American novel you want to read. Mad Men is like the great American novel you have to read you liked it when you read it in High School or college but you’re not going to pick it up again. I remember liking it. I remember the Meadow college episode that someone who was still trying to sell me on the Sopranos told me about.

I actually remember it was my first job out of college 2000. I was working at the Museum of Television and Radio as a curatorial assistant. My colleagues were, of course, Sopranos happy. You have to be if you work there. They said you have to watch this one episode. I’d seen the pilot and it didn’t wow me. Ok, what do the ducks represent? What is this Holden Caufield kind of stuff? Obviously I saw his presence from a mile away. The superficial construct of the premise, the high concept was he is taking his kid to visit colleges but he also has a hit. He’s in one family but he’s also in another. You could gleam that from a poster but it was so much more. What it actually ended up showing was, I can’t choose an adjective, I’m not ready to. The way I am thinking about approaching the loss of that particular actor in a writerly way. It was a specific instance of masculinity up against a daughter of an age in which she has an anxious sexuality. I remember that line, maybe from that episode. Something about girls and their mothers-it’s always girls and their mothers. That whole show was a Greek tragedy, but it was so funny. It is so much funnier than Mad Men. Spare me Peggy imitating Groucho-like character in a pill box hat-oy.

I remember seeing Tony Soprano in the car with his daughter meadow and thinking this is tapping into something I have never seen before and it hits really close to home. I compared him to Brando on Twitter. I know it’s low hanging fruit but he was Nicholson for the television age. That’s what this is guys. Sorry for the film people. At this point saying you like film more than television is like saying, “I don’t have a television.” Or calling the internet the interwebs, which isn’t funny. I almost said anymore, but was it ever? Maybe once it was kind of funny. TV is better than movies, sorry.

I guess he was in two war movies, which were In The Loop and the Kathryn Bigelow one, Where in the World is Osama… Wasn’t that the title of Spurlock’s thing? Did he really make a movie called Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? He did right? What is it called? Zero Dark Thirty. Thank you brain and google fro remembering to type Jessica Chastain into the empty fields to keep track of other gingers. By the way, Jessica Chastain is in the ‘I’m Aware of Your Work’ category of the Redhead Hall of Fame. Connie Britton is firmly planted both feet in the RHOF. Anyway Zero Dark Thirty my favorite quotes are from James Gandolfini. I wasn’t crazy about that movie. Bu I love America. James Gandolfini had a line where he played Leon Pancetta, remember? He’s about to go into an elevator and he asks,”Does this woman know what she’s talking about.” in terms of whether or not Bin Laden is in that house. One of his advisors says, “She’s very smart.” As the elevator doors close he says, “We’re all smart.” I loved that line. I think of that line all time whenever someone is an asshole and then someone else says, “He’s really funny.” We’re all funny. James Gandolfini, I guess I am dealing with it in a way, or I’m beginning to. He and Frances MacDormand may god protect Frances MacDormand. They’re America’s parents. They are our great actors. They are our Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson. It is sad to have lost our Nicholson. That’s a sad start to this week’s monologue. It’s what I am thinking about. I have also started thinking about, this is kind of queer, no one likes hearing this phrase, my body. I’m trying to acknowledge the fact that I’m not just a brain on chubby stilts. I haven’t exercised in three or four weeks on a regular basis. Every once in a while I’ll go on the elliptical and listen to, what’s that Billy Joel song Laura. I feel like that was Billy Joel rolling up his sleeves and saying, you want the shitty Beatle? Here’s the shitty Beatles. Going to yoga, I don’t like talking about going to yoga, nobody like the person who talks about going to yoga. Being aware there’s something underneath my chin and neck besides the remainder of the breakfast sandwich. I have been feeling out of touch with my body. Then it gets hot, and I think ew, why am I hot? There’s no center there. You need to keep yourself company physically when you are able to. I have been working a lot. Also it’s still light out and it’s 9pm. What am I going to do with this information? I should probably stand up straight and walk. I’m going to take a walk. What if you don’t order Advil from the pharmacy? Isn’t NYC the best? You can just order—I need double A batteries (not for gross reasons), I have a Sonicare ok? How dare you. It’s not for my fanny as the British people would say.

Would British people say I had to put the baby’s fanny in a nappy? Is that something a weirdo would say about diapering his child.

Ok, oh yeah—get in touch with own body- check, I’m working on that.

I know you’re all probably thrilled that the new season of the Newsroom is coming up and it is going to take on occupy Wall Street. I’m sure you can all breathe a sigh of relief that Occupy Wall Street is going to be ‘mansplained to us at long last. What’s the difference between Aaron Sorkin and Neal Labute? Is it just that extra step of registering for an internet comment account or is it only the weight? I know you are dealing with a handsome guy and a goblin. There are so many different shades of misogyny. I could write a folk song about it if I were more whimsical. I feel like I have the edge of a New Waver. That’s what you say right? A new Wave Person? New Wavers sounds like it was the form of a Snackwell cookie. I have the edge of a New Waver but the inertia of a Prog Rocker, who wants to date me? It’s too long for a handle please choose a different one.

How about Yoga Girl, oh that one has been taken. Really? Yes by the most interesting woman in the world, here’s Kathy! Hey guys, I’m Kathy, I’m just trying out online dating. It’s an adventure. My whole life is an adventure. I think it more of a journey. I love my friends. I love my life. I love my job which I’ll tell you more about in person. I love meeting new people. I’m obsessed with my tiny dog. Favorite Shows: Mad Men, The Office, Gossip Girl, RIP. Favorite thing to do: hiking.

Ugh, I get so tired when people talk about things that I don’t… that don’t involve me…pretty much. Things I can’t connect to. I like traveling ok, but I’m mostly thinking about the hotel room on the other end of it to be perfectly frank. There’s a certain amount of anxiety to an open day in a strange location especially if there is nobody I’m fucking at the other end of it. Even then you are like oh really, I’m going to see him, I can’t wait to go to a museum together. I’m an inside girl in an outsiders world. Adventure in general, I find a little distasteful. I find it a little bawdy. It’s a little raucous. It’s not a question of uncontrolled versus contained it’s just unseemly I guess. Anything that involved gear, I should put it that way. I actually like taking a hike now and then as long as there’s not a rattlesnake bisecting my path.

Remember when that happened? I went to Los Angeles and was having a great time when all of a sudden a fucking rattlesnake crossed in front of me. It slithered in front of me. That was a lot of fun. Griffith Park, owned by snakes and enjoyed by screen writers. Anything that involves gear, here’s you nozzle get comfortable with it. After this we’ll give you your pack. Here’s your map. Now put on these…

No! Never. If I can’t do whatever the activity is in a maxi-dress, a cork wedge m and natural day makeup on, I don’t want to do it. That includes pilates. What else? I should really get more exercise. I’m not getting on one of those Citibikes.

A couple of people have tweeted me about wanting to get a photo of me on a Citibike. I hope you are not being perverted about it. Even if you are I’ll still take advantage of it. I am thinking of doing a fundraiser, like a tip Spoony fundraiser. If we can raise I don’t know three grand, $3000, then’ we’ll get a photo of me on a Citibike. In fact I’m going to put that on the table. If we can raise $3000 by July 17th I will actually take my credit card to a Cibike Station. I’ll run my credit card. I’ll run a Citibike for a day or an hour, however long it takes to have that abomination in your presence. I’ll pose on it. I’ll straddle it, I’ll actually straddle it. I’ll put my legs on either side of the seat and I will smile. I’ll smile on a Citibike if we raise three thousand dollars between now and July 17th. If you go to PayPal.com Donate Money, we reach our goal by July 17th you will get that in return. We’ll print T-shirts.

Rob Schneider has joined Jenny McCarthy in the crusade against vaccines. Great news. Paula Dean is racist and twitter went crazy about it. I don’t know, am I being an asshole when I say people are a little hard on Paula Dean. I’m not condoning using the n-word nor am I condoning attending a wedding tended to by slaves, but I feel like the CSI effect, which I read about in terms of how it applies to court cases. Juries aren’t going to send anybody to jail unless there’s DNA all over the body or in the case of rate they actually have physical evidence of it having happened in this very specific concrete way , I feel like that’s the case with racism too. I feel like we have a DNA effect—or I do when it comes to racism. Paul Dean used the n-word and I respond, “Is there video.” Not that I don’t believe she uses the n-word every fucking time she wakes up between the bedroom and the bathroom where she brushes those—they have got to be blinding right? They are like dice without dots on them, those teeth. All I am saying is ha people really like attacking celebrity chefs except for Anthony Bourdain. I’m the only one who likes attacking Anthony Bourdain. I’m fine with that. I’m comfortable with that. He’s a blowhard. He’s the ultimate Gen X douche and I am completely comfortable being the person who carries that torch.

Paul Dean uses the n-word, allegedly by a staff member who worked at her oyster bar. It’s gross that she has an oyster bar in the first place. I don’t eat oysters but if I did I wouldn’t eat them at a stupid celebrity chef’s chain restaurant. People just went nuts on her. Same thing when she had diabetes. They went crazy about that too. I know it was ironic. It was so funny that the fat woman who makes fat people food had fat person’s disease. What am I saying? Am I defending her? Who cares? I will say it is not a surprise. Her whole thing is that she’s like Foghorn Leghorn with a blousy button down top that hides everything below the tit and a B+ wig. That’s her thing. That’s who she is. She’s a cartoon character the same way Guy Fieri is a cartoon character. I’m not pronouncing his last name like that. When these cartoon characters act cartoony you watch old cartoons. Do you think there’s not a cartoon where Foghorn Leghorn isn’t setting a cross on fire? There is. I haven’t seen it. I am sure it was really funny at the time. You are saying I’m upset that this cartoon is acting cartoonishly-adverbs. It’s a little silly. That’s all. I said that to Billy Eichner. He said, “You are a racist sympathizer and you are basically the reader.” He called me the reader. I said Billy, my nipples are way pinker than Kate Winslett’s. She was bringing those out everywhere wasn’t she? That was her Oscar year right? She was like I am not leaving this year either without an Oscar or without everyone in the English speaking world having seen my tits. They are like silver dollar buckwheat pancakes. Kate Winslett’s beautiful. I’m not ariola-snarking this early in the day.

Speaking of celebrity chefs, Nigella Lawson had been photographed in public…

By the way I am against racism; I want to get that on the record. I love black people. I talk about black people too much. I do love black people and I’m against people who don’t. You shouldn’t use that word especially if you are white and are a public figure. That’s just my philosophy. Nigella Lawson, celebrity chef was photographed in public being choked by her husband, fiancé, Charles Saatchi, rich guy. I was horrified at how turned on I was seeing those photos. Come on it’s a joke, joking is sexy. Just don’t take it to that level Bruce Carradine—is that who it was? Is it David Carradine? If you google either David or Bruce Carradine the first thing that comes up is a wiki on the Carradine family. This is helpful. Kill Bill right? He died choking himself. Who didn’t die choking himself? I know Michael Hutchins did. They’re all hot. David, David Carradine, rest in peace.

Anyway choking is sexy as long as you don’t go crazy. On that note, I read an interview. I didn’t read an interview, I don’t have that much time, I saw it on D-listed. It was an interview with Armie Hammer. He said he doesn’t pull his wife’s hair in bed because she’s a feminist. I thought how have feminists suffered already? We have to have boring sex too? Come on Armie Hammer. Put your arm and hammer into it. That’s funny.

That’s funny. I’ll audition for SNL with that character. She’s a stand up and she whines about how things are funny after every joke. It’s pun-based. My SNL audition is going to be me explaining premises to Marcia Klein in a closet and it’s podcasted. The more I do other people’s podcasts the more I realize that podcasting is a way of holding people socially hostage. Come over to my place. Get in front of this microphone. I’m going to talk at you for an hour and you can’t leave. What if I have to go the bathroom? Can you be fast? You can’t wrap up that conversation when the mics are lives buddy unless a publicist is giving you the old blinkety blink. That’s happened to me.

If I could spin a yarn of all the publicists that have given me the wrap it up sign I’d have a memoir that would blow the sock off your dick Anthony Bourdain.

Guys I’m going to introduce the guest and start the show. We have two great guests this week..