Episode 172: "Pellet of Pleasure"
Contents
Date
June 20, 2014
Guests
Origin of the episode title
What a grilled cheese sandwich should be.
Discussed
Hola, comrades. This week's show features a talk with comedian and lover of food, MAX SILVESTRI. Max has a new album out called King Piglet, and he's going to be the co-host of a new television show called THE FEED. Enjoy Julie & Max talking about baked goods, Bed & Breakfast murder mysteries, patty melts and Hitler. Actually, I don't think we talk about Hitler at all. My bad!
Also: Thoughts on the new Shep Gordon documentary! The best part of sweet death! (Not promoting live shows) The gross weirdos who click on links that show you what famous babies look like growing up! Roberta at a party! And a lot of thoughts on TAXICAB CONFESSIONS.
Trivia
- Julie attended a World Cup party, though she didn't know it was a World Cup party until she was in the elevator going up to the party.
- Taxicab Confessions is a two person improv scene, with one person making sure the other does not leave the scene.
- Go to lovemeow.com
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Tippers
These are people who sent money through Paypal to klausnerama@gmail.com to help keep the show ad-free.
Monologue Transcript
All right, let’s get this podcast started. Sorry about that, I’ll never do that again. How do I make it up to you? I don’t know. Gift certificates? A gift card to a chain restaurant? This is my new character. His name is Murray. He’s a little befuddled. Ugh my character work is so diverse.
Hi everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.
It is June I guess. Well it certainly is June. I’m busy...I’m busy. I’m busy preparing for my shows next week. I’m doing a run at Joe’s Pub as you probably know by now because I tweet about it constantly. I’ve said this before but my idea of heaven is dying and never having to promote another one of my live shows ever again. One day sweet death will take me, but in the meantime I’m doing a bunch of shows next week at Joe’s Pub. It’s a whole new show so I’m working on that. I’m going to be doing new things, saying new things, singing new things including a cover of Bob Gentry’s Fancy which is probably the best song ever written. I’ve heard it at least 100s and 100s of times and it still manages to evoke very strong feelings in me. It’s a problematic song. It’s about a mother who sold her daughter, or encouraged her daughter into becoming a prostitute. I’m not going to man-splain Fancy to you right now. That is not my intention. I’m just letting you know that is one of the songs on the agenda for next week. I’m going to do a new Paul Williams song. I’m going to do a song from the movie Tootsie and some other things too. That is going to happen whether or not any of us are ready for it frankly.
Then I don’t think I am going to perform for a while. I don’t know maybe that’s a lie. I don’t have any live shows coming up. I think I might gonna take a breako. Please see the show. It will make things easier if you do.
I am excited to tell you I saw the documentary about Shep Gordon week ago. If you will remember Mike Meyers of Sprockets fame directed a documentary about music super manager Shep Gordon and it’s called Super Mensch. It is a really interesting documentary although I have to say that Mike Meyers’ directorial choices were occasionally baffling. Our friend Alex Cordelis pointed me to an article that profiled Mike Meyers. He took a photo of himself sitting in front of an embroidered, what is it? Needlepoint? Cross-stitched framed ‘What would Steven Soderberg do?’ Mike Meyers as a director did a lot of things that Steven Soderbergh would not have done with this film but there are some great shots of him golfing with Alice Cooper.
That was what I felt was missing most from the Alice Cooper documentary that I saw—more footage of him golfing. And I’d also like to see Alice Cooper giant currant teeth in the natural light under a visor. When Alice Copper has to put his hair back in a pony tail and wear a visor and gold clothes that is when Alice Cooper is happiest. Shep Gordon is his manager. He’s one of these baby boomer guys. One of these guys who has stories of Jim Morrison first-hand so he’s a little more exhausting. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy but he definitely seems like a lech. There were a lot of ‘wink, wink’ comments from people that were interviewed about Shep Gordon that said as much. One of the earliest clips in the film is with Michael Douglas, who’s apparently dear friends with the Shep, who talks about Shep. He says, “Shep Gordon doesn’t always think with his brain. He thinks with his...” He looks at his lap then looks up again and looks at the camera and then he looks at his lap again and looks at the camera and says, “...other lower parts.” That was Michael Douglas. He was all over that documentary. Mike Meyers made the decision to feature Michael Douglas front and center.
Then there were a lot of stories in there. The one I liked was the time that Shep Gordon convinced Mike Meyers to use Feed my Frankenstein in the movie instead of Schools Out or I’m 18. It went like this. He says, “We had a new album. They were going to use I’m 18 or School’s Out. I said no one is going to remember that you need to use this new track of the new album.” He said, “No.” “I happen to have a copy of the script. I happen to know that Alice Cooper is only going to be on screen for 20 seconds tops. I also happen to know that you’re shooting in two weeks.” Mike Meyers said, “Ok.” The Feed my Frankenstein was in the movie. These are all myth makers and legend stealers. Not a great story but in case you were wondering about Feed my Frankenstein I guess there’s a cover to every pot I supposed.
Speaking of which Shep Gordon dated Sharon Stone for a while. There was footage of the two of them on a red carpet together. You know that there’s something missing with Shep Gordo because at no point does he ever say that Sharon Stone is crazy. To not acknowledge the fact that Sharon Stone is crazy is beyond disappointing. I don’t want to say he’s crazy too but he’s like a scrabble board with some missing letters and the words have already been spelled out. He and Sharon Stone are walking down the red carpet together in the early 90s around Basic Instinct. I guess red carpet culture wasn’t quite what it is now, then. This is how I deduced that—there was a paparazzo who asked, “What are you wearing tonight Miss Stone?” “Armani, and thanks for asking.” That was my favorite part of the movie. Sharon Stone says, “And thank you for asking.” Smile-weird vacant smile.
I went to a party last weekend and it was a World Cup party which I didn’t realize until I was in the elevator on the way up. There was no going back. World Cup is soccer—fine. Go to this party and I don’t know anyone there. Half of the people are watching soccer on the couch and the other half are hanging out around the snacks so I was hanging out around the snack. It wasn’t a despicable group of people they seemed very nice. I had nothing adverse to express at that particular moment. I just didn’t know anyone. I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and then I met this woman named Roberta. Roberta is in her 60s maybe 50s. Roberta looks good. Roberta gets her roots done frequently and Roberta came up to me and said, “Hi.” I said, “Hello,” and then Roberta just started talking. Roberta told me about how much she loves to travel. I asked, “Where was the last place you went?” The last thing I wanted was for Roberta to walk away from me.
Roberta said, “Prague.” I said,”Oh is Prague touristy?” That is literally the only thing I know about Prague. People complain that it is touristy. Roberta either didn’t hear my question or found it to be an interruption of my flow. She talked to me about what she wanted to talk about in terms of Prague. She told ma about going to Oktoberfest to the tent. She told me that she had been divorced twice. She told me that she had fallen asleep early on Friday. It was a rainy night and she said she came home and was asleep by 9:00. I said, “That sounds like a nice Friday night.” “Well, you know either that or sex.” I said, “Roberta, Roberta.” “You know what? If you don’t have a date you can do it with yourself.” “Oh! Indeed you are right. I certainly can masturbate on shabbos.” Roberta was very helpful in keeping me feeling socially appropriate at this event and as I spoke at her, near her, I realized that my questions were so obsequious that their only purpose was to extend the interaction. I’d say conversation but really Roberta was doing most of the talking. I was perfectly happy; I just wanted to listen honestly. I just wanted to listen to Roberta and kind of stand there against a wall. At this point I am trying to make my erector muscles stronger which is a disgusting sentence. I’m sorry for having used it. It is hard for me to stand in one place for an hour. I have to lean against a wall, or lie down on the floor on a foam roller. It doesn’t matter, who cares? Who cares about my stupid body? While I was talking to Roberta I was able to cop a lean. That was nice. I guess my point is that because my questions were really just in the service of ‘Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.’ I realize the format of our conversation was very close to Taxi Cab Confessions which was a great insane show. Plus the fact it was on HBO is just crazy when you think of the Boardwalk Empirezzz of it all. On Taxi Cab Confessions, for those of you who don’t know Taxi Cab Confessions was a black and white prank show. A cab driver would get people in the backseat of a cab and reveal lurid and personal things late at night while they were all sauced on the juice. The job of the cab driver, the person who was engaging the passenger and trying to get him or her to open up, or at least say something interesting like, “I suppose it’s a good idea to keep paying for cable.” That was driver’s role was to do precisely what I was doing to Roberta which is, “What was the last place you visited? What place would you like to go next? What’s your daughter like? Do you like living in that neighborhood? What do you think of AIDS?” No, I didn’t say that. I did keep Roberta on the hook in that way.
I was also thinking a little bit more about the format of Taxi Cab Confessions with my friend Jodi Lennon who is the director of my Joe’s Pub show. Taxi Cab Confessions is a two person improv scene, it’s almost like a short-form improv assignment because one of the scene partners is giving the directive don’t let that other person leave the scene. That’s basically the only instruction. So passengers who are generally, as I mentioned, blitzed, blitzed on sauce, will have absolutely no idea, maybe not all of them are drunk and some of them are just crazy. What I think is interesting is that passengers often don’t realize how weird it is for their cab driver to ask, “What was your father like?’ Cab drivers will talk to you but they don’t talk about that. When they talk to you they aren’t going to be asking questions around your family. They’ll star with the weather or traffic. My go to is, “Where are you from?” Then I’ll ask about their homeland. There’s a thing. I just probably bragged about form the point of view of a white privileged person. So send me flowers. Send them to my agent. Send them to WME. They’ll get to me. I appreciate it.
I keep a list of things to talk about and one of the things I follow is the Today Show and People Magazine because I’m a loser that I put myself through that stuff. I have that perverted need to look at things that make me/ keep me disappointed. Maybe that doesn’t make me a loser maybe that just makes me a wallower. I follow the Today Show’s Facebook account and I follow People’s account. They tweeted something find out what Nathan Junior from the Raising Arizona movie looks like now. There was an article Where’s Nathan Junior now? Click here to see the Baby from Raising Arizona all grown up. I thought to myself, “No thanks. Who cares?” Not only is that something I never think about, what does Nathan Junior look like today? But when it is brought up to me and my curiosity is piqued, I’m a sucker about clicking on things. If I see a link like this one tonight that says this rabbit and this cat are friends they take walks every day. I say, “Click.” The screen shot was a black and white cat. I don’t need to explain this to you. The bunny was very floppy. It ran around like a dog. It’s hilarious. I strongly recommend it. Go to lovemeow.com. It’s where I am getting all of my email forwarded from now on—just work email. So Nathan Junior is a grown up. I refuse to click on that. Then I saw something on the Today Show, the baby from Three Men and A Baby is all grown up. Do you want to see what she looks like today? Absolutely not.
My default setting is to say, “Who’s the pervert who clicks on that?” Do you know who the pervert is who clicks on that? It’s not a Terry Richardson/Dov Charney kind of pervert— by the way guys sunrise sunset with these two chuckle buddies. They were in the news this week, coincidently I love the 2000s aired. Those were two guys I did not love about the 2000s. The Terry Richardson article that New York Magazine published is not pro-Terry Richardson. I think it is very well reported. It shows. It doesn’t tell. There’s a cover story on Terry Richardson this week. It was the most disturbing thing I have read this year. I couldn’t put it down I was just so horrified. I did not think it was flattering to him. That was me reading it. He’s a disgusting monster. Everybody involved with those cases should be ashamed of themselves. If they could take a minute to stop making art for a second to just be ashamed of themselves. Then go back to whatever the hell they were doing. It’s not just me being jealous of people having more fun than me. I’ve thought about that. I’ve spent more time thinking about that then perhaps would be constructive. Do I really hate this person because I’m jealous of them? Sometimes, a little, but in this case not really, I am not coming into this prudishly. Maybe I’m coming to this with a sense of right and wrong. Sorry. I know I’m speaking vaguely but that article really disturbed me.
Between that and the clip of the R Kelly-Lady Gaga video on TMZ that I clicked on which was more disturbing then that footage that Louie CK tweeted about. It wasn’t just the finale of his show. This week can take a few more Rohypnol than usual and then just pass out because there were so many creepy things. It’s terrible. It’s a terrible world you know? I don’t know what to tell say. Protect people around you who don’t have power and are weak.
Anyhow, who is clicking on these grownup famous babies? Are they creepy male pederast perverts? Probably not. Do you know who they are? They are the demented women who buy magazines that have babies on the cover--first photos of Angelina Jolie’s new baby, or we have photos of Drew Barrymore’s second baby. I am in favor of adoption, let me get that out of the way, but sometimes there’s a spread of celebrities next to their kids. Their face is next to a little kid’s face. You get t say, “Oh that really does look like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner in that little one’s face.” That is probably satisfying to people who think about babies all of the time. It’s not my thing. Then they’ll have a picture of somebody next to an adopted little one. This isn’t playing the same game because you’re not looking for the genetic resemblance, but to baby hungry maniacs it doesn’t matter. They are just looking for more babies in their eyes, if they are famous babies that’s somehow even better to these weird people. I think these are all women. Is that crazy for me to think?
I have a message for these baby crazy tabloid women, knock it off please. You are making everything terrible. I’m not saying kids aren’t cute or babies aren’t cute. We all like to look at things that are cute obviously I just told you about that cat and rabbit that just bopped down the street- bop, bop, bop, bop. It’s in Japan too, so the rabbit is super funny looking. Knock it off. Stop it. Do you know what these women who are doing at the very least, these famous baby magazine buying, where is Nathan Junior now clicking, Three men and a Little Lady but remember when she wasn’t a little lady, now she’s a a really lady. These weird Kathys and Ritas, Debbies, and Lindas, you Karens you are ruining it not only for the rest of us but for the universe. Do you know what you are doing? You are giving something for Dax Shephard and Kristin Bell to complain about. We don’t want that.
Kristin Bell and Dax Shephard have only one cause that is to make sure that paparazzi don’t photograph celebrity children. This is the only charity that, if I ever am on celebrity game night, god willing, I will play for. The charity to make sure that paparazzi don’t take photos of ugly famous children would be my charity. “Yes Jane tonight I am playing for the Dax Shepard Kristin Bell Memorial Foundation. I just want to say I am really sick of seeing these ugly babies in the pages of my ‘Who wore it better?’ and ‘Celebrities are just like us.’ When I see an ugly famous baby that shit its pants because celebrities are just like us and we shit are pants all the time, I’m really bummed out because how much do magazines cost? They are not free. Even when they come with a pedicure or a manicure you still have to pay for the pedicure or manicure. So that’s who I’m playing for tonight.” “All right!” That’s my Jane Lynch impression, “All right!” She’s great, we love her. We love her!
What else? I think that’s it—hammock bear, where oh where is hammock bear? You will love the show I am doing next week. I don’t have a discount code but if I get it I’ll tweet it in the next few days, Monday through Friday. Should I tell you other songs I am doing or have I teased enough? I’ve teased enough! There’s a new medley though, everyone loves a medley. Everyone loves a medley.
I’m going to introduce the guest and then I am going to eat a bowl of cereal. We have one guest...
