Episode 187: "Hershey Nestlebaum"

Monologue Transcript

Hello, hello. It’s me Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

It’s October and in some parts if the country it’s Shocktober. So make sure you are careful. I think of October as of the time when I Google Elvira slightly more often than usual. Her website is interesting. Someone asked me on Twitter why isn’t Cassandra Peterson in the Redhead Hall of Fame? She is. That’s a great story. Cassandra Peterson is absolutely in the Redhead Hall of Fame.

Elvira’s eye makeup is in close up when you got to Elvira’s website. It’s not Elvira.com although it probably redirects from Elvira.com. Her website, not to be cynical, is basically a shop. You can buy signed 8X10. You can watch the trailer for her stage show at Knott’s Scary Farm which I have to say I am really curious about. I know she wears a red hat or a red corset. She’s wearing a corset and a top hat. She can, as far as I’m concerned give us all Ebola and I am still going to think fondly of her.

What else can you buy on her website? You can buy her app. I believe it is a guided meditation but instead of meditating you watch The Brain that Wouldn’t Die. Maybe she goofs on it. I don’t know. I should probably buy the app. You can buy T-shirts that are pretty cool, I guess if you are into that kind of thing. There actually are some cool T-shirts I am not going to snark on Elvira’s T-shirt selection. There are DVDs, sure. There are a couple of CDs for sale but I don’t think she sings. I could be wrong. Based on the footage I have seen of her at Knott Scary Farm she may very well sing. I’m debating whether or not to ask you to go and see her show and report back or to not to tell me because I will be so jealous. It should be like a Vegas show right? It should be like Folies Bergere who’s a dear friend. Mr. Folies Bergere, Dave Foley Bergere. Is that anything? I don’t know.

It is October that means only one thing. It’s time to dress up your dogs. Don’t’ dress up your cats unless you are like Glenn Hetrick who has got some sort of method to his madness. I hope he does. Don’t put costumes on your cats. Your cats don’t want to wear costumes. The pleasure that you get looking at them in costumes is not as great as their suffering so just don’t do it. Please, unless they like it in which case they are probably a little off. Then everybody wins. But it is time to dress up your dogs in Halloween costumes. I’m not here to give you suggestions; I’m just here to appreciate what’s given to me. Which is to say if you send photos of your dogs dress up in say, podcast -related costumes to me, email me at klausnerama@gmail.com the winner, the person with the best pet costume will get a free T-shirt. I just made that shit up. I wasn’t planning on starting a contest. I didn’t clear this with my lawyer, Hershey Nestlebaum. Send me photos of your dogs dressed up in outfits that correspond with the things we say and enjoy together every week on the show. We will maybe post them somewhere. I don’t know it will give me joy. Is that so wrong?

What else does October mean? Oktoberfest obviously. I don’t quite know what I am doing yet, I’m sort of juggling a few invitations…no I have not been invited to anything. What is the grossest new Halloween candy? I know I saw on Max Silvestri instagram he took a photo of coffee or mochaccino or cappuccino flavored candy corn. I’ll fucking eat that. Sure, why not. Is it a little out of the ordinary? To be sure, to be sure it is not your everyday—it sounds disgusting AND I’ll eat it. I like Halloween time. There are things I really don’t like about Halloween. The other day I went to-- I’m not dropping names--but I went to my friend Lena Dunham’s book party. What did I wear you may ask? Google the step and repeat. I’m just kidding there was no step and repeat. I wore a tasteful pair of pants. Basically I ordered a sexy Halloween dress; it’s a ‘black tank dress’ with a skeleton design printed on it. I thought it was cool and I wore it as a shirt because it’s so short and my torso is so long that it works out. I am not wearing it because it’s October and I’m not wearing it because it’s a spooky time I’m wearing it because e it’s cool and frankly I’m sort of rotating a few things right now and I am at that place where I hate my clothes so I am committed to clothing monogamy where you have three things you don’t hate and you wear them over and over again which is perfectly legal in this county.

So I was heading up to my friend Lena Dunham’s book party and on my way to Lena Dunham’s book party I went to CVS because I was panicking. Why did I go to CVS? To get a Fiber One bar, ok? I needed some sugar. Why was I panicking? Because I was going to a very fancy party and I was going alone. I didn’t think I’d know anyone. Do you know what? I get socially anxious. So naturally I went into a CVS, the haunted one in my neighborhood. I went into a CVS and glanced at the candy part under the registers not the aisle, this is not the part you need to know but I remember thinking that if there are no single bars I will buy a box of them. I bought a box of them and was on line and I was so hungry that I opened the box while I was on line. By the time I got to the cashier I was like oats and chocolate, oats and chocolate. She rang me up and asked me if I was going to a Halloween party. This was hurtful because I wasn’t. But at the same time I can’t be stupid about this because I was wearing a skeleton shirt. I know that she was in her rights to ask me if I was going to a Halloween party, at the same time I was just really cold and sweaty and nervous. Like I said, mouth full of oats and chocolate and I was about to drink Riesling near Hilton Als. I needed what I needed. I didn’t need someone saying you look like a goofy goof ball.

So I have since decided that Halloween or not Halloween anyone who asks you if your awesome skeleton tank top is for Halloween is basic. Even if you bought it on Amazon after typing in skeleton Halloween costume you are allowed to wear it with panache. Lena Dunham’s book party—what was it like? Who was there? First of all Lena Dunham is so nice and so brilliant and cool. She invited me to this. She didn’t have to do that. That was so nice and I was so grateful for the invitation that I actually went. I’m going. I’m going to go to this party. I walked in and immediately locked myself in the bathroom and had a panic attack because I just felt like a dirt bag honestly, like a dirt bag in a Halloween costume. Everyone around me seemed like they knew Nora Ephron by her first name and I was just really impressed. The snacks were great. Her book was beautiful and everywhere. There were speeches that were tasteful. There were books. The catering was great. It was a beautiful party. I had wine. I ran into Paul Simms who is very nice and his wife, who is beautiful, talked to me. Then I calmed down. That was what I needed. I met a girl named Chickpea and she had a They Might Be Giants tattoo on her chest. It was big, like a birdhouse over her heart—a blue canary by the outlet. So I met Chickpea and talked to Lena. She was great and awesome and looked really pretty.

Who else was there that I should tell you about? Jerry Saltz, New York Magazine’s Jerry Saltz, yeah that’s it. I was there for an hour, but what an hour. Again, Lena Dunham did not have to invite me. I was so happy that I was invited. Then I calmed down after my panic attack. Now I’m just telling the same story over and over again.

What should I talk about? I have a couple of things on my list. One is the Staircase and I don’t want to talk about the Staircase (the Scarecase is the Halloween version.) It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it I just don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. It was built up to me as a story with twists and turns, did he? Didn’t he? There are twists and turns. It is basically a documentary mini-series about a man who may or may not have killed his wife. But his wife may have also died by falling down a staircase. There’s some debate about that. There are also a couple of twists and you think he did it. No he didn’t. Yes he did. If you don’t want to know anything else about it then fast forward. The rest of you listen. It’s you and me talking here. In the second episode we learn the guy is bisexual. That becomes a character thing which I find so disgusting that if I were a juror I would yell, “He didn’t do it.” To show how not homophobic I was. The prosecuting attorney would say anal sex all of the time. There was a male escort he contacted. He never even got together with him but they were emailing. She was asking him inappropriate questions like, “What kind of sex were the two of you hoping to have?” “Anal sex?” I wanted to say, “Objection,” you don’t need to say anal sex. Later when she was giving her closing statement she said, “It doesn’t make good sense that the victim knew her husband was having anal…” Oh my god! Enough with the anal sex. It’s also known as sex, what’s wrong with you creepy weirdo? Stop pretending that anal sex is synonymous with sodomy. Like it’s this weird slaughtering a goat, something only deviants do. If you go to any straight porno site there’s assholes a plenty. Please don’t tell me it’s a taboo, you monster.

I’m only going to talk about the anal sex related parts of the movie. The escort was cross-examined. He did beautifully. He came across beautifully. He and the defendant were emailing. There was a part on one of the episodes where they were reading the emails out loud so it was in voice over. It was letter writing—it was basically exactly like Ken Burn’s the Civil War but instead of “Dear Mumsy, Slavery is awful,” or the other side. There were emails that were quaint. “Dear Ted, I really enjoyed your pictures. Have you got a big dick guy? Just curious,” there were ten episodes and I watched them all this weekend and thought that was interesting then I went on with my life but the part of it I thought was the best part was when the escort wrote back to the defendant , “Dear Mike, 5’10” lift weights. Went to the Army and then came back. I’d love to meet and talk.” Then he says in response to Michael’s last emails he writes, “I love to fuck. I’ve never been fucked. But the idea is really exciting.” I thought that this guy saying, “I love to fuck. I’ve never been fucked,” was a really funny thing to hear someone say out loud in narration form. Maybe I am being immature. Watch the Staircase everybody, CBS at 9pm right after Blackish and Selfie. Both of those shows I heard were very good. I love to fuck. I’ve never been fucked but I’m very excited about the notion of it. Love to fuck. I’ve never been fucked. But I’m excited about the possibility of it. A couple of things you need to know about me 1) I love to fuck. 2) I’ve never been fucked but I am open to it.

I’m reading a book about Ted Bundy. Hear me out. It was time. I had been circling around the man like so many geese. Denbo said, "The Stranger Beside Me, The Stranger Beside Me, The Stranger Beside Me by Ann Rule.” Ok, I know, ok. I know. The Strand said they’d order it but they didn’t. I turned to Amazon. I’m sorry. I should have bought it at my local…I know Amazon is only for Halloween costumes you wear as shirts. Ann Rule in the 1970s was a pudgy former cop who happened to have worked at the same crisis hotline as Ted Bundy. Because she wasn’t his type, that’s why I mentioned she was pudgy, I don’t think it’s important otherwise, in fact I am going to take away pudgy. Ann Rule worked with Ted Bundy on the crisis hotline in the Pacific Northwest. Then Ted Bundy started murdering way too many women and Ann Rule wrote a book about it. I know that you are not on the edge of your seat but hear me out, Ted Bundy who was the hottest man I have ever seen. I know that is so—he’s was good-looking, he was handsome---no, no, no. He was so fucking hot. I feel dumb saying he was my type because he was everybody’s type. He was hot. I’m only halfway through it. There could be a twist! Love to fuck. Never been fucked but I can’t wait to try it.

Ted Bundy used to approach petite very pretty women who had long dark straight hair parted down the middle. He’d approach them with casts on. The documentary Silence of the Lambs shows the psychology of the serial killer best. You’ll have to look to Buffalo Bill for illustrations of that particular paraphilia. Is it paraphilia? I guess for Ted Bundy it is but no SPOILERS! Ted Bundy used to approach petite girls, all 110 or less and he’d say, “Hey could you help me get my sailboat on top of my car?” He’d go up to girls in broad daylight at a park in Seattle, by the way Seattle what the fuck? This guy is a major blemish to the Pacific Northwest, do you know?” I can’t wait to see the next season of Portlandia, I heard every sketch is Ted Bundy themed. That was my Portlandia packet by the way, every sketch was about Ted Bundy, I didn’t get the job.

Hey could you help me get my sailboat on top of my car? Can you help me strap my skis to me sailboat? I’m a white blond guy—sort of blond. Hello, I’m a white man with a sailboat. Will you help me wrangle it? My tummy hurts. Do you want to talk about my yacht in the parking lot?

I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have been stupid. Not stupid. I don’t begrudge these poor women. Wasn’t that a mean thing I almost said? Stupid--as though these women hadn’t suffered enough. These stupid idiots! Come on this is me internalizing the Nancy Grace of it all, there but for the Nancy Grace go I.

Let me rephrase this. No let me beat myself up on the air for another 25 minutes. Let me rephrase this. I am not saying that I would have been immune to Ted Bundy’s charm, however Ted Bundy would not have, shall we say, succeeded so prolifically had he been using that line in NYC. I’m sorry but you had to pull off some Bernie Getz, David Berkowitz shit. The 70s were a violent time as you know. They were also a very important cultural time as Carole King knows. But that whole stunt of I’m having trouble getting my car keys out because of the cast on my arm that in no way did I make myself out of plaster of Paris 15 minutes ago and the plaster of Paris is still in the car. It’s not an issue. Will you help me? If that happened in New York I’m sorry I just don’t believe that as many women would have been like, “Oh yeah sure” We will pass someone dying on the street and we’ll say nope not stopping. We’re really cool.

That show What would you Do where actors get into loud fights and people have to say, “Don’t yell at her!” Is it Montel Williams that does that show? Somebody yells at you. “Why didn’t you help her?” “I don’t know, because I didn’t care.” “That’s the wrong answer!” “I don’t know why I agreed to be on this show.” “You didn’t” “Oh.”

Anyway, Ted Bundy to be continued….I will report back. Boy talk about issues with women (Woody Allen) He was such a fucking asshole. His writing to Ann Rule in prison…He wrote poetry about how unfair it was that he was in prison. That guy really stunk, if you ask me. Now he’s Dead Bundy because they put him in ‘Old Sparky.’ That’s a whimsical name for an electric chair that takes people’s lives. Texas should succeed. So Rick Perry—anti-abortion... Listen Texas has been yammering about succession for a very long time. They think it is cute. A lot of them are serious. I think now is the time for two reasons. One is Appeals Court let’s Texas enforce law that restricts abortion. You can’t get an abortion in Texas unless you jump through hoops like a goddamn circus bear-wonderful. There are only 20 in the whole state, wonderful job everybody. See you at N-wordhead this summer Rick Perry, he’s the one right? N-wordhead Rock, wonderful job everybody. How about this, once you succeed he can be your king. How about that? N-wordhead Rock can be your capital city. That’s the first reason why Texas should succeed.

The second reason is Ebola. They’ve got it. I know it’s terrible. Are you nervous about Ebola? I’m not but maybe I should be. Serious question. Anyway, my prayers are with the right people. Oh my god Julie messed with Texas this week. That will be you review Splitsider, not Splitsider AV Club—both of you. This week Julie Klausner messed with Texas. The End.

Somebody sent me a gift and I don’t know who it is. I would love it if you sent it to let me know. Someone sent a gift to my agency and my agent emailed me, well my agent’s assistant. Let’s not go crazy, WME does a lot of things but they don’t do everything. The assistant emailed me and said we have a gift for you here, where shall we send it? Send it to my apartment. This story just gets better and better. The point is there was no card. There was a post-it that said this is for Jimmy Jazz. I should tell you what it was two giant beautiful bottles of Maker’s Mark and there was an adorable Christmas sweat that could either go on one of the bottles or on Jimmy Jazz. As I mentioned earlier, I feel like all cat costumes should be photo-shopped unless they are bow ties in which case, honestly, let Mommy get a couple of pictures and then you can have tuna fish for dinner. I am very grateful for this beautiful gift and I would love to know who gave it to me so please contact me if you did. Love to fuck, never been fucked but I am just wild about the idea.

Lady Bennett and Tony Gaga are being sold at Starbucks despite my premonitions last week. I guarantee you Tony Bennett has no idea that his CD is for sale at Starbucks, in fact I strongly feel that no one should tell him. It’s just going to make matters worse. Julie do your tony Bennett impression. Next time, next time, maybe we’ll do that as a minisode. Oooh? What is we do that as a premium? How can we make money off of a podcast? Hmmm, How was your Tony Bennett. Interesting idea.

Chris Spoony Spooner is watching the Final Season of Boredwalk Empirezzz and he has sent us a lengthy and literate recap of what has been going on on the show. Here goes, Spoony’s latest recap:

Chalky escaped his chain gang with a simple man who had a dent in his head from being kicked by a horse. The man with a dent in his head did not know what was up with phones so he kept Chalky around for that kind of thing. They break into a house with a woman and a teenage girl inside because Denty is sure there’s a safe in there they can rob. Sure enough phones fuck it up for them. And Chalky has to finish the job that a horse started all of those years ago by bashing his head in with a hammer. Deny was getting too creepy with the women. The women are ungrateful

Patricia Arquette is gunned down by the Cuban army in the street. In a flashback Little Nucky gets in trouble with adults for breaking into a hotel in the off-season to look at the toilets and take a bath. In Chicago Al Capone is watching movies of himself and clapping and singing along while doing tons of blow. When one of his henchmen makes a bad move he beats him to death with a toy that Lucky Luciano gave him. He beats him with a sharp pointed toy and doesn’t stop until everything is covered in blood, his face, his cigar, and all of the toys are covered in blood. Henchmen scrub the toys and try to make everything the way it was but there is so much blood. You can’t play with toys that are so bloody it makes no sense.

We have one guest…