Episode 74: "Most of the Nooks"

Date

August 3, 2012

Guests

Gabe Liedman
Alison Rich

Origin of the episode title

Julie, re: the unexpected potency of rose wine: "It gets into all of the crannies and most of the nooks."

Discussed

Hello, friend-os! This episode of How Was Your Week is a humdinger. Returning delight GABE LIEDMAN is here to regale us with stories about working at Barney's and which celebs were jerks to him, whether hunks are more funny than sexy, the possibility that he has too many teeth, and what Primal Fear is about. Gabe is delicious. He could talk about nothing for an hour and you would be thrilled.

Then, ALISON RICH is here to have a conversation...about a show called THE CONVERSATION! Hahaha! Do you see that thing I just did? Anyway, Alison Rich, with whom Gabe and Julie recently wrote on Billy on the Street and who is in a web series called INCOGNITO, watches a show on Lifetime called The Conversation so you and I needn't. But after this chat, you might want to! It features bare-footed talks with smart and interesting ladies like Sarah Silverman, Melissa McCarthy, Glenda Bailey, and...Olivia Wilde?!?!?!

Plus, Julie recalls an experience with an unpleasant pie vendor in Brooklyn, realizes something intimate and spicy about Kenneth Branagh, ponders specific instances of "ball-bags" and "pissy pants," explains Kristen Stewart's appeal and what she expects to be Robert Pattinson's weakness, recommends a new documentary, and reassures everybody that, because that Vince Vaughn is at the wheel of a 70's reboot, everything will be okay.

A fun and fabulous show for you and your ears.

Trivia

• Julie's new favorite least favorite form of sexism is assuming it's OK to comment on a woman's appearance because she's had some work done, in order to write it off as a character flaw.
• Julie went to Williamsburg just to have something to do.
• The Williamsburg Bridge is an architectural abomination.

Download the Episode

Episode Link

Monologue Transcript

Hello hello! It's Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was Your Week. Happy Olympics, assholes! Oh my god, enough with the Olympics! Right? Ugh, I guess I'm wrong because everywhere I look, hither and tither -- look, I know it's August. Believe me, I'm not having any Dr. Leo Marvin, What About Bob-style vacation. I'm here, you know what I mean? I'm IN IT. I'm not taking a break for anything and meanwhile, here is what people are talking about: the Olympics and Chik-Fil-A. Euugghhh --- and this is progress. This is civilization. This is discourse. I don't need it. I'm sick of it.

They had the Olympic Games and they had chicken in Ancient Roman times, you think that mattered? You think that was something that people would say, "Oh, one day when people can get screens in the palms of their hands..." --- I don't even know. Look, I've had a few glasses of wine and I also found out that the interstitial -- by the way, this is called an interstitial -- it can be called a monologue, it could be called a ramble. But I call it an interstitial. I lost it. It's fine. This one's gonna be better. That other one was an asshole. Hold on.

[Slurps wine] Mama's medicine. Sweet rosé. That's called 'grown-up lemonade'.

How is everybody doing? Are people having a good summer? If you are, please don't tell me. I'm very cranky lately. And I'm into it. Apparently, I have a hard time letting go of my negative world view.

It's August, as I mentioned. How do I put this? I've been better. I've been worse! Everything's fine.

I had an experience recently -- well, let's talk about the Olympics for a brief moment before I tell you about the experience I had in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Which should really just be flushed down the toilet because it's already halfway there.

So, I watched a bit of the opening ceremony for the Olympic Games... on Bravo. I have to say, I know people are over the Olympic Games and are talking about Gabby Douglas who looks like this -- I feel like people put a photo of her next to the make-up artist in child pageants and they're like, 'THAT'. She's so much better than that, she's so much more important than that, I know, how dare I even compare her to pageant contestants. But the opening ceremony was directed by Danny Boyle and it was a little out there -- but what would you have done? I mean, what a bizarre assignment! To have someone be like, "You're in charge of opening the thing, and it should really just be whatever. And here's a lot of money, just think grandiose." And you're like, "Got it!" And so you get Kenneth Branagh, who I would still fuck. There's nothing I wouldn't let him do to me in any costume.

And you chart the progress --- I'm not exactly sure what the thing was really about, but it did exist, and it was theater, technically. And then the Queen -- uh, I stopped watching after the Queen got involved with the skydiving and the corgis, although I did enjoy it very much. Do you think after she and Daniel Craig did their scene, she was like "And, scene!" I love it when people say that.

So the Queen was watching the opening ceremony and I, um... I'm not quite sure why she looked like she had pissy pants, but I wanna talk about the term pissy pants. If you don't know, 'pissy pants' are when you piss your pants and they are hot and wet and they become cold and wet and it is uncomfortable and you make a face like "Ugggh, I've got pissy pants."

What kind of a thing is that to do? Is she demented? Is she senile? Is she psychotic? Like the guy that killed those people in Illinois, she doesn't know that --- that wasn't Illinois, was it? It was Colorado. God, I thought it was because Aurora, Illinois and Wayne's World. Ho, ho! Remember the '90's everyone!

But you know what I mean, like is she psychotic that she doesn't understand that's not the right facial expression to use in ye olde repitroire when you have, say, a choir of special needs children singing "God Save the Queen" and they're going to be showing your face on camera and maybe you shouldn't use the Pissy Pants face. Is that not something that they taught you in Queen Protocol School? Or, is she just sick? Is she a sick person? I don't know. But I don't think it was very nice of her not to smile. A pretty girl smiles. A smile is a pretty girl's best accessory.

Speaking of special needs children, there is a baby with Down's syndrome about whom I read. How do you like my not ending a sentence with a preposition technique, fellas?

So there's a baby who has Down's syndrome. She was recently, I guess, hired to be the face of -- well, what is it -- she was hired to model for a catalog. And I read about it on People dot com. I don't know if you guys are familiar with People's website, but they have a section called Style Watch. So, here's the headline from Style Watch: Baby With Down's Syndrome Lands Major Fashion Campaign.

"The first time fashion scout Monica Hillman laid eyes on little Valentina Guerrero, she knew she’d found a beauty.

“Her eyes and her smile,” says Hillman, “touched my heart.”

Discovered by Hillman, a scout for Spanish fashion designer Dolores Cortés, Valentina — featured in PEOPLE this week — is considered the first child model with Down syndrome to land a campaign with a noteworthy fashion designer."

As the face of DC Kids, Cortés’s children’s swimwear line, 10-month-old Valentina made her runway debut July 20 at Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week Swim 2013 in Miami.

Wonderful! And then there's a photo of this little girl and she does look like a little doll! Excuse me. God, Rosé gets into all the crannies and most of the nooks.

So here's the thing about this adorable little precious baby with Down's Syndrome. She is a model in a major fashion campaign. She is doing what all baby models do, despite her disability, and I just want to say one thing to Valentina: lose some weight. I mean, for god's sakes. If you're gonna be -- especially if you're gonna be modeling swimsuits, I'm just saying it's a little embarrassing. Just because you have special needs doesn't mean that there are special exceptions to the fact that you just gotta get to that bikini, girl. You gotta look toight. Right?

I saw a movie called The Queen of Versailles, it's a documentary, I strongly recommend it. I also saw the first half of The Cooler.

So this is random, I just finished a book that I loved, I couldn't put down. It's called 'Fooling Houdini' by Alex Stone. He's going to be a guest on this show, maybe next week. I really recommend you read it, it's about magic and math and neuropsychology and nerdy Boing Boing stuff, what can I say? And I had this realization -- I do think about magic now -- I don't think magic is sexy and I don't think gambling is sexy and I don't think Las Vegas is sexy, and therefore, because it is not sexy, I do not think of it. 'Cause it's all sex up here, baby!

So there was a realization I had at the beginning of this book, "Oh wow, gamblers and magicians both use playing cards." This is an actual thing I thought with my stupid brain. And then they mentioned a Cooler and what a Cooler does. A cooler is someone who comes over if you're having a winning streak at a casino and they kinda, like, fuck up your luck, I guess. So I was looking for something to watch the other night because the Olympics were on and I was BORED. There's some faces on these male gymnasts that... I mean, they're like shrunken faces on a big head. Like the opposite of Anne Hathaway who's got like a big face that's kind of been photocopied on a head that's just a size too small. Like a size 8 face on a size 6 head.

And I said, "Oh, the Cooler, that's a movie that's on demand. What is it, Mametian?" It stars Bill Macy, Alec Baldwin, Paul Sorvino, Estella Warren? Who is singularly the worst actress that's ever wrapped her juicy, earthworm mouth around a line of dialogue. And for some reason, I saw William H. Macy's ballbag and pubus. I don't know why they included that in the movie. It wasn't like I saw it and I was like, "Well that's THAT" and walked away. Anyway, I stopped watching The Cooler.

My point is The Cooler exists and in addition to that, I also saw The Queen of Versailles, which is a documentary that's playing and I think is great. It's about this woman that is is married to a guy that was the #1 owner of timeshares in this country. It chronicles their financial descent after the stock market crashes. It's completely fascinating, I'm of course not doing it any justice in my description, but the woman who's on the poster sort of looks like a Real Housewife. She is a former Mrs. Florida. Married a guy 30 years her senior. Seems like a really good person.

What was odd to me was I saw it by myself -- I'm doing great by the way, don't worry about me. I like seeing movies alone. I love it. "One for 'For Colored Girls' at noon, please. Don't mind if I do get the medium!" Everything's great. [Drinks wine].

And I was sitting next to this -- at the Angelika Film Center in lower Manhattan that has rickety seats that are very uncomfortable and it over a subway train that is loud and the sound is terrible. Popcorn's good! I will give you that, actually, the popcorn's quite nice. But I was sitting next to this couple with the NPR totebag, terrible shoes couple. Like, glasses that the woman -- the woman looked like a less feminine Linda Hunt with glasses that my orthodontist Dr. Andtsteading would wear before he would break it to me that we were gonna introduce rubber bands into the process.

During the movie, at one point, the lead, this woman, Jackie, gets botox. They go with her to her derm to get injectibles and the woman next to me was cringing like she was watching open heart surgery. She was like "Ewwwww" and the husband was like, "It's over now, you can look". And I was like, "Grow a pair of nuts!" Grow Bill Macy's ballbag. For god's sake's, woman. She's just getting a needle in the old focce. That's how God intends for girls to stay pretty. What's wrong with you? I've just ben so desensitized by all the Real Housewives I've watched that like, people stab their faces with needles in the opening credits of all those shows! Get over yourself! And also: lipgloss is very inexpensive.

The thing that I loved about that movie -- I mean, there's a lot I loved about it -- for people that are unacquainted with new money, as was my seat companion, it's very jarring that woman that looks like the lead of that doc and not have her conform to the pre-assigned judgements that you made to her. She's really intelligent. You'll see the movie, you'll tell me what you think.

But I was reading reviews of it after. For example, Jackie, the start of The Queen of Versailles, has gigantic breasts that are -- she shows her modeling photos, when she was younger and at one point she had big breasts, then she had giant breasts. And you're like, "Oh, OK, I can ---" I hate the term do the math... and, scene! You know what I mean. They don't mention at all in the documentary that she's had her breasts done, it's just like... use your eyes. Right. And I read three reviews from really crusty, y'know upper publications with the words 'New York' in the title... and they all made a point to be like, "Her surgically augmented breasts," and it's my new favorite least favorite form of sexism, which is like, assuming that because a woman has had noticeable plastic surgery that it's OK to comment upon her appearance. That drives me crazy! Or to write it off as yet another character flaw. It drives me nuts.

And this is from having written about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hils, all of whom look... they've all been touched by an angel, so-to-speak. Including Adrian Maloof, whose marriage, by the way Rest in Peace, A. And B, I still don't believe it and will never believe it because even though she and her husband clearly hated each other, the fact that they're getting divorced will never not be completely shocking.

Anyway. Those women all look a particular way. They don't look like you and me, necessarily, but they think they're beautiful. I don't know -- I guess having written about them and I've fielded as many comments about Taylor, who's the woman with the big lips who had the lip implant. She's a sociopath. Or I'm sure she's something. I don't want to go on the record, she'll probably sue me. You know, there's just something -- there's some bats in her belfry. And people saying like, "Oh, that big-lipped monster." It's like, just. Ughhh. Just because the operation didn't take doesn't mean that she's a target. Although, I do think that it's hilarious when people make fun of men who've had plastic surgery, with the exception of Kenny Rogers, because that guy, good lord. What has happened? And yet his soul is unimpeachable. Kenny Rogers is fascinating. I think about him all the time.

I went to Williamsburg last weekend. Please send your condolences in the mail, I'm on day five of Shiva. I went there just to have something to do, to be completely honest. There was a food fair -- I know, it's horrible. Listen to what I'm saying. I walked over the Williamsburg bridge, which is God's turd.

Actually, you know what, let's leave GOD out of it. God has nothing to do with the Williamsburg bridge. It is an architectural abomination. It is an embarrassment to the following fields: Urban Studies, Bridge...ography, Existing Bodies of Water. It's just disgusting. It's a terrible bridge and Williamsburg is a terrible place. And I love my friends who live in Williamsburg, I love restaurants in Williamsburg, I love people from Williamsburg. I hate Williamsburg. it is a terrible place. The rats in Williamsburg are like, "I live in Fort Green!". That is the stupidest joke I've ever made.

And I walked over the bridge last weekend, I guess it was Sunday, to go to this version of the Brooklyn Flea. The Brooklyn Flea, by the way, is the something that people in Brooklyn literally trip over their own erections to talk about. "Are you going to the Brooklyn Flea? Are you going to the Flea on Sunday? Are you going to the Flea on Saturday" or whatever it is. People in Brooklyn really really love the Brooklyn Flea. And on Sunday there's a different flea market and there are food places, fine. Fine, I said. I will walk over the bridge, it will count as exercise, I will stave off another four hours until I am again alone with my own feelings which I do not need.

So, I crossed the bridge. There were artisanal -- I'm not proud of this, by the way -- there were artisanal food tents? Areas? Places to set up. And people killing themselves for a pupusa. I did the rounds, I said this is here, this is there. What do I want? Do I want a sausage? no. Oh, those look interesting, what are those, smoked meat? Fine, I can get that around the corner, I said no. There was a PIE STAND. I said, here we go. If you approach me on a given... my point is I always want pie.

And a woman who was tending to the pie booth was the most unpleasant-looking person I have yet to meet. And I saw her, I did the rounds, I came back. I asked her a few questions. She was so fucking miserable. Let me describe to you this woman, this unpleasant pie vendor. She's in her 40s. She was a little heavy. All this so far sounds like, "Yup, great! This is the person I want serving me my pie." Wait. Wait for it. She was behind the counter with like, sort of a retro-looking apron on, but it was as though the body rejected the organ, like she was resisting being even partially Etsy-fied. And that includes like her bang. Her bang was a little too short. And then she was with her husband. And I say that she was with her husband because this guy was definitely her husband. He had like this indentured sort of quality to him. He was wearing like a khaki short and like a t-shirt that had the logo of her company on it tucked in, and like trainers with socks. And he just had this look on his face with like a greying goatee that was sort of like a Django Unchained quality to him, like he was dying to be emancipated from the post-partum depression that just never sort of went away.

And this unpleasant pie vendor answered my friendly -- because here's the other thing -- you're gonna pay cash. You don't know how much cash these people are going to report to the government at the end -- in other words, I'm giving you cash for a slice of pie. This is a win-win. What you need to do right now is to be friendly and to be pleasant and to pass the time and to make a connection. Ideally!

So I bought a slice of pie from this bitch. Oh, she had some nice looking pies. What I ended up buying, because I thought it was going to be savory and it ended up being a little sweet, but I didn't complain because it was delcious, was the green tomato pie. And I asked about allergens, because why not? You're already in the belly of the beast, you might as well go full gluten and say "Is there this?" It's my right. And it's also beyond my right, it's my privilige, because isn't this all about privilige? She said, "No, it doesn't have this, it doesn't have that." And I bought a slice and I will say, while she was cutting it I was like, "Now's where I'm gonna make small talk chat" and I said, "What's your crust technique," to this miserable person. I said, "Are you a butter crust person or are you a shortning crust person?" And she said "I do a 6-to-1 ratio. I do 6 parts butter, 1 part shortning, except for the vegan pies, those are all shortening."

She gives me my change, I walk away, I eat the pie, the pie is delicious, I am filled with a sense of emptiness. Because I know that the extra ingredient was misery. And yet! I just wanted more pie. Oh, my god.

Vince Vaughn is remaking the Brady Bunch, so nobody needs to worry. What else do I have to talk about? Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson. If you guys don't know why this is a big story, I will explain it to you now. First of all, if you do not know at all, Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson with her married, very sexy and sexual director. It was a very sexy affair and I find it to be sexual and very sexy, that she did what she did. She's a very naughty girl and she needs a very hard spanking. Meanwhile, Robert Pattinson has taken solace by staying -- is now staying with Reece Witherspoon because he hurt his fee-wings.

Here's the thing about Kristen Stewart. She's not beautiful but she is incredibly sexy. She's got next triangular, teardrop sort of breasts. They're small, but they're fighters. She's got a normal girl's teeth and she has a quality to her that makes her fuckable in a very pure way. And I completely understand any man that is completely taken with her and I think that she's probably good in the sack! Whereas Robert Pattinson, I imagine, he's so pretty! I kind of feel like Robert Pattinson is like the pretty straight girl who's like "Oh, I'll experiment with lesbianism." And then she goes home with a gay person - a gay woman - tell me if I'm anywhere close to being right about this, gay ladies. But let's say I'm a beautiful straight girl and I'm like, "oooh, let's experiment" and then I go home with a lesbian and I just lie there. Is that a thing? And that you just sort of like, "Oooh, play with my tits a little" and then you like arch your back and show your ribs show and you're like "Aaand, I'm done."

I feel like either that or Robert Pattinson would just never stop eating you out. And you're like, "Oh my god." It's like three and ahalf hours later. It's like Apocalypse Now, the director's version. It's just too much. Too much!

My point is that I wish all those crazy kids the best.

I am so glad you guys joined us for another episode. This is a themed episode, even though you guys did not expect it to be. Both of the people on this week's show wrote with me on Billy on the Street. Gabe Liedman is coming up a little bit later. He is returning to the show. But first, I spoke to Alison Rich, a young lady with whom I worked. She is obsessed with this show called The Conversation, she is going to introduce us to it. Without further ado, here is my talk with Alison Rich.