Episode 123: "The Patient Zero of Food"

Monologue Transcript

Hello everybody. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of How Was your Week. Are we enjoying our summers? Oh, no, is it too hot? Oh god, it’s too hot! What’s happening? The earth is on fire. Didn’t we listen to channel Z? Did we not heed the warnings that Fred Schneider lobbed at us in his way? Oh god. I’m done.

Do you know what also is done? My skin. My skin is unhappy. I have all kinds of things goin gon. Speaking of Fred Schneider. He’s still tweeting about the Bush Cheney regime. He and Matthew Lesko, the guy who wears that question mark suit, if they switched places in life…I guess what I am asking si would you mind? Would you care? Would you leave a note? What’s going on with my life this week? The official Stagedoor Podcast is following me on twitter. That’s something. First of all Stagedoor Manor has a podcast. What is Stagedoor Manor? It is a performing arts camp. I personally went to Belvior Terrace. As far as I am concerned Stagedoor Manor people are scum. They are scum of the earth. They are all human garbage. I’m just kidding, I don’t care. I will say that there is a unique snobbery among people who are essentially the same. I have been watching Long Island Princesses and I talked about this in the past.

I am a West Chester girl. I grew up in Scarsdale. People in Scarsdale look down on people in Great Neck and I guess vice versa. We’re the ones who have the right to do it because there are no West Chester Princesses on television that is. There was an article about different Real Housewives across the world. They had a comment from some French person who said, “Of course our women would not be so classless to appear on a show like that.” Please, the French. Do the French have a sense of humor? I don’t think they do or if they do it is at the expense of a disabled person.I watched some of that original Dinner for Schmucks. It wasn’t called that in French. Maybe it was called Dinner for Jews, they are not crazy about us. What a fool, he has a hobby. It was weird. It was not funny. The idea that they are above the Real Housewives Franchise is nauseating and unacceptable.

The Long Island Princesses started out this week by apologizing for 9/11 but not exactly. What happened was that Amanda, who is Garfieldish in that her eyes are at a constant half-mast, is very in love with her boyfriend Jeff as we’ve established. Jeff is not gay. I fielded this query from people. I know that you think he is gay. If you think he is gay you have never met an effeminate Jewish man exactly like Jeff. Go to shul. I have met so many. There’s a difference between effeminate and gay. He’s just a particular type. He would fit in with the Oh, Hello Guys. Trust me on this. Jeff is not gay,. Jeff and Amanda are more in love than I have ever seen a couple be.

Amanda disgraced a war hero essentially, but it was a firefighter which was so much worse, it was a statue of a firefighter. She is an entrepreneur and is selling a drink cozy which is completely necessary. She held up a drink to the statue of a firefighter in a park on Long Island and and it was a disgrace. They have since edited that scene out which is a little bit like defacing the Mona Lisa but who’s counting? This week’s episode started with white text on a black screen just like the beginning of Magnolia.

I don’t remember the beginning of Magnolia to be completely honest.  I know Patton Oswalt was in it and there was narration.  You thought, oh is this what this movie is about?  All of a sudden it wasn’t. But it was beautiful. 

I watched this week’s episode of Long Island Princesses, white text on black Bravo deeply regrets disgracing firefighters who risk their lives every day and 9/11 will always be with us. And now we present the twin towers of Judaism, ladies and gentlemen… I like Chanel. I think Chanel is smart. I think Chanel would not be a great podcast guest for that reason. I think she would be not quite smart enough and not quite dumb enough to be interesting and fun. Here’s who I would like to have on the podcast, Amanda and Jeff. Would I watch them make love? Absolutely. Absolutely, who among us is in a place to say they would not watch two people who want to have sex have sex? Do you know what I mean? If they are enjoying it and they are passionate, isn’t that everything? No, but it beats porn.

I have an attitude towards porn that is very conflicted. I don’t watch a lot of porn. When I do watch porn I feel terrible about myself because it runs contrary to my values as a feminist. This is also probably if not definitely about the porn I watch which is all disgusting. It’s not ok. I guess the parallel would be if I were a vegan or a vegetarian and an animal rights person and I watch videos of people making veal. It’s unacceptable. Like I said, in the stuff that I watch women are not respected. So my question to you, this is only for women, I don’t want any links form men, I don’t care if you’re gay. I don’t care if you are confined to an iron lung. Please, men, never email me about porn ever. Are there feminist porns that are not stupid, or silly or story-based? You are just going to send me a link to a book aren’t you? Books. Books not looks. Yum… that bourbon hits the spot. I am very grateful to be back in the company of my side-kick Mr. Clinky Clinky. The ice cubes have melted at this point.

New York City could really step up its AC. I walked past and Old Navy. Old Navy had its game down. Is that a thing people say? Old Navy knew what they were doing because I walked past it and it was blasting and I got a little chill. I would never go in there. Come on. That would be a good contest. What could you buy at Old Navy that wouldn’t make Tim Gunn want to throw tomatoes at you? A pair of underpants. I have no idea. Then he’d criticize your foundation. A good foundation is the stepping stones to any outfit. The inconsistent air-conditioning in New York City is one of my many problems that aren’t problems.

I also have been grappling with a couple of things. Lea Remini is no longer a Scientologist which makes her less of a punching bag than she was, which is complicated, but mostly I just resent having to think about it. There’s a clip of Dustin Hoffman talking and crying about Tootsie and how he understands ugly girls. I love Dustin Hoffman. I love Tootsie. People should be passing anything around in regard to that movie it should be the interview that Teri Garr gave the AV Club years ago. It was a Random Rolls with Teri Garr. She talked about improvising the part where she was stuck in the bathroom at the beginning at the party. She also takes absolutely no prisoners in talking shit about people she’s worked with and talking about sexism. She’s a flawless bad ass, I wish that was being passed around. The long holiday weekend is ostensibly over. It was basically a week. The July 4th holiday just bled into days and days,is it time for food? I mentioned this before. I am not a good babysitter. Porn and Lucky Charms? It’s not good. I’m one of these people that have to hit rock bottom. Not writing becomes unbearable so then I write and then writing becomes unbearable. People who like writing can go fuck themselves, basically. I am writer. I am a rock. I am telling you that next week I’ll do my writing. This week I did some shopping. What did I get? I got a seam-ripper. I keep singing Day Tripper when I think about my seam ripper. If you get vintage clothing sometimes there’s a lining. You don’t want a lining against your body. Yuck!

Remember when I asked you to send me porn before? Never send me porn. Women, don’t do it. Don’t even be discreet. Look, I came up in the 90s I know all about post-feminist pro-sex. No one was ever against sex. Porn is complicated. Your Toys in Babeland demonstrations are terrific to some extent, but they make me uncomfortable. I’m putting that out there. I am standing by it. I am a sex-positive feminist. I think your dildo parties are weird. I’m sorry. I’m going to go ahead and say it. Everyone in Portland just shut this off. They said, “I’m going to listen to the Muffs.” You go ahead, but I stand by the fact that girls sitting around talking about vibrators is weird. Whether it’s a bachelorette party or on the lower east side from a woman that has Wil Wheaton’s haircut from ’87, it’s not my thing. I have never really felt like that part of the lady business, feminism is a rainbow… Toys in Babeland...What’s the other one? Adam and Eve.

We’re not taking sponsors. We’re not taking commercials on the podcast, at least not right now. If we do we’re only going to advertise sex toys and Spoony is going to read the copy. That’s it. I’m going to put that out there.

Speaking of other podcast business we are just short of $500 to get to our goal to get me on a Citibike and take a photo with my bra strap showing. So if you want to go to PayPal.com enter Klausnerama@gmail.com and send money. I think we are $483 short. I will also add that, I hate to make this a moving target, but we also have to raise enough to cover the cost of renting a Citibike for a day. I think that’s $10. So I’m going to go ahead and say we are $493 short. Let’s rectify this so I can humiliate myself on a Citibike.

I saw a couple of documentaries over the holiday weekend that I wanted to recommend to you. One is A Band Called Death. It is a fantastic documentary. The other is called The Source Family. I think a couple of you have recommended it to me. It’s about a cult. It was the most late-sixties early seventies, most LA, most cultish cult that you’ve ever heard of. Rachel Lichtman, DJ Rotary Rachel originally told me about this movie. I finally got around to renting it. It is a crime that it did not come with an accompanying catalogue so that I could buy all of those maxi-dresses. Not the ones they were wearing because those had pubic lice to the nines. What a style. I guess Alloy Entertainment has a catalog. They also produce gossip girl. This is all shop talk. The Source Family was a cult. There’s a guy named Jim Baker who killed two men with Judo chops. I pray he said, “Judo Chop” before doing it.

He grew out his hair to look like Santa Clause and he had a café called the Source Café on Sunset and Sweets. That is the same café where Woody Allen orders sprouts with a side of mashed yeast in Annie Hall. I guess John and Yoko were there. The menu looked disgusting. They showed it, in this doc, the menu. It had The Harvest Salad, the High Protein Salad. All of those salads, I’m convinced, beyond ecoli, those salads caused AIDS. Those salads were the patient zero of food. They said there were good looking waiters and waitresses and there were photos of these braless chicks with a full feather in their hair. It wasn’t a pretty. Clearly it was a feather that came off of a dirty rat bird like a pigeon from a Vaughn’s parking lot; she just tacked it in there. As I mentioned pubic lice, scabies to the nines, I would not know what to order if you took me there. “I’m good.” “Really? Do you want an ice tea or almond milk?” “No, I’m ok, thanks.” “How about carrot juice?” “Get away from me; I’m uncomfortable with this entire interaction.” I guess John and Yoko ate there, and Steve McQueen who was very handsome, who I would take over Robert Redford in a minute.

So the guy who owned the restaurant started a cult. Then during the cult years he wrote the Ten Commandments, that a man and a woman are each other’s and that bond shall not be broken. Then guess what? He broke the bond by fucking a bunch of teenagers and takes many wives. His poor wife, her feelings were hurt. My point is that the 60s were gross. There’s nothing free love about being a fucking pig. The truth is when I watch any kind of counterculture or mainstream culture or documentation of that era. It’s just disappointing to me that the feminist revolution which followed the sexual revolution wasn’t more violent. On one hand you have the Mad Men, the whiskey of it all. On the other hand you have this dip stick who decided he should start calling himself god. Thank god the Manson’s killed people. Landlords could say, “How about you skedaddle.” They were all pigs. They were all disgusting pigs. If they had died in Viet Nam it would have made things easier for certain women.

There was band at one point. They interviewed Billy Corgan about it. He said, “Yeah the Source Family band.” Thanks Billy Corgan. They had gigs playing in high schools. What principal was asleep at the when they decided that this would be educational? I was texting about this with Lichtman. She said that at the very most it would be a warning to stay in school. Can you imagine? You’re a third grader—class we have a special assembly, a couple of young men from a cult that I believe live in Glendale. I hate to spoil the ending but the cult leader dies. I guess he jumps off a cliff without a parachute. He died as he lived, surrounded by screaming girls.

Speaking of the feminist revolution not being more violent, it got me thinking, there is a disappointing lack of estrogen in the cult community. I have said this for years; there has never been a female cult leader, and I feel really shitty about that. I have decided to go ahead and take this upon myself. So once we raise enough money to get me on a city bike, I have decided to start a cult. Here’s what I am thinking. These will be the terms. Most of it will involve cooking for me. If you are in my cult I’ll give you a list of meals. They’re simple meals. I don’t like things that are fancy. If you make me anything that looks like it was on top chef and you stand there with your hands behind your back and deliver a monologue about it, I don’t want it.

I don’t want any roué. This is what I like: I like a baked potato, obviously I like pasta, a barbecue night would be nice, grilled meats with salad. We’ll discuss it. Mostly it will involve cooking for me. Other cult members responsibilities include braiding my hair, that’s culty right? That’s in line stylistically with the things you are used to. Braiding my hair, doing my hair, you can pay for extensions by asking your family for money. No fucking—I don’t want any cult members fucking me. That’s not what I am interested in. I think it’s weird. It doesn’t make sense. That won’t be an issue. Maybe you’ll get people from the outside world. You don’t have to tell them what they are coming there for. You’ll be my wingmen. There’ll be more, I just can’t think of them off-hand. Mostly it’s braiding my hair, cooking for me, and not fucking me.

I guess I have my feminist hat on. I was thinking about the Robin Thicke video. I hadn’t seen it. Not to name drop but Jean Grae had me and our pal Jodi over to her home. We ate dinner. She cooked a beautiful salmon. Salmon is good. I like rice-sticky rice, chocolate chip cookies—anyway, Jean Grae asked if I’d seen the Robin Thicke video? I said, I don’t know, I can’t watch it. She described it to me. She said the models are butt naked-I saw the uncensored one. It’s so gross and stupid. People are saying, “It’s ironic.” No erections are ironic. It was depressing to see generationally how young men, not that young, remember Simply Irresistible and they are trying to emulate that in a cool club culture way. It’s not funny. It’s not cool. Is Terry Richardson your Andy Warhol? That’s depressing. The idea that you paid models to show up and take their clothes off is not impressive. That’s what models do. They show up and wear or don’t wear what you tell them to as long as you pay them. That doesn’t make it cool or funny or interesting.

That they actually spelled out Robin Thicke has a big dick at the end is the ultimate… When you have a kid and you want to hire a birthday party entertainer to be like everybody in the room is very nice, Julie the birthday girl is the smartest and the prettiest. Imagine if that translated. That patronizing attitude towards someone who …basically if you have to spell out in balloons that you have a big dick your dick must be enormous. Alan Thicke who is fascinating wrote a lot of jingle which is important for you to google. It’s not just Growing Pains money that his child comes from, also most importantly their last name is Thicke which is the grossest weirdest thing I have ever had to think about.

I did some studio work this week. I laid down some tracks with my pipes. I put on some cans and laid some tracks with my pipes for the Audio Book of Art Girls are Easy which is coming out soon I guess. It’s exciting. I’m mentioning this because people have asked m, my book, Art Girls are easy is available as a paperback and an ebook. If you google that you can buy my YA novel if you like.

The Charles Saatchi Nigella Lawson saga is fascinating to me because I wonder if they are the white people’s Rihanna and Chris Brown in that I read Charles Saatchi was choking her in public. Oh, stop it. That is what it is. Jenny McCarthy is something people have been tweeting me about. She’s probably going to join the view. I will say this about the View, it is more interesting when a mentally insane person is on it. When Rosie O’Donnell was on the View that was appointment television. Tivo it, watch it when you get home….Oh you smoked a lot of pot at the point in your life, she’s a 9/11 Truther…That was great TV. Rosie O’Donnell is a unique broadcasting personality. Jenny McCarthy is a garbage person who actually has the blood of children on her hands. At least we know what her breasts look like. She paid for them which is a charming thing for a women to brag about. Let’s start the show. We have one guest this week