Episode 166: "That Bellevue Glow"

Date

May 9, 2014

Guests

Liza Dye

Origin of the episode title

Julie notes that guest Liza Dye, who recently got out of the hospital where she was recovering from being hit by a train, looks beautiful and rested.

Discussed

Hello. This week's show features comedian LIZA DYE, who is a very funny, cool girl who happened to be hit by a motherfucking SUBWAY TRAIN in February. Liza shares what kept her going in intensive care for three months, why she felt the impulse to entertain the passengers on the train before the jaws of life arrived, how much OWN she watched in the hospital, and why people who've been hit by cars are WAY BIGGER DICKS than people who've been hit by trains.

Plus: the Cannibal Cop is making JAIL PIZZA, 90s martyrs Anita Hill and Monica Lewinsky and why we should never stop apologizing to them, Jessica Seinfeld went blonde, and why YouTube makeup "celebrities" need to try harder.

Hey Ho! Let's Go!

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Monologue Transcript

Transcription by Amy

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. It’s Julie Klausner back for another episode of HWYW.

Trigger warning—I am only going to talk about Jessica Seinfeld dying her hair blonde this week on the show because that’s what she did. Mrs. Seinfeld—she took the plunge. I thought she had taken the plunge when she chopped it all off. That was just the beginning. She is blonde now. The name of her look right now is twink city. For those of you who don’t know I follow Jessica Seinfeld on Instagram. This was an excellent tip given to me by Dan Levy. I am obsessed with her. She has replaced Octavia Bourdain as the object of my contempt although she and Octavia are apparently both fans of mixed martial arts. They document what someone without a job can be busy with or at least busy enough to complain about how busy they are.

Jessica Seinfeld likes taking photos of her food. There are a lot of selfies, but now that the hair is blonde there are way more. She has a couple of Weiner digs, which I approve of. The captions are what you really want to tune in for. You know what I mean when I say that she’ll be fake self-deprecating for the sake of posting a photo from her gorgeous life. It isn’t gorgeous as much as it is some lazy asshole’s idea of what it would be like to have money that you didn’t earn yourself. There was a photo that she posted of her feet next to an expensive looking handbag. In the handbag is something wrapped in tinfoil? The caption, instead of look at how expensive my purse is the caption is, “Everyone, admit how many times you’ve carried pieces of chicken around in your handbag.” Oh shit. I am so weird! Jessica Seinfeld.

She has the life of someone who had a very specific dream and it came true. Ugh. Here’s one, I guess she meant throwback Thursday but she wrote #FBF When I wore cat ears and drank booze out of measuring cup #day3noboozenosugar with emojis next to it. There’s a lot going on in this photo. She’s giving her sexy face. She does have cat ears on to be whimsical. The amount of jewelry she’s wearing on her hand is ridiculous. She does have what appears to be whiskey in a Pyrex cup. Again another example of, “I’m such a mess and yet…” The comments are basically like teach me how to find a husband that finds me charming. I don’t even know if Jerry finds her charming as much as he must tolerate her and compartmentalize the Jessica part of his brain. The commenters are basically asking how do I get your life. One of these women said, “No booze or sugar? I can’t even process that statement, what a strong conviction you have.” You know she reads all of these. Oh god!

Jessica Seinfeld—Ricotta Toast with radishes.

She took a photo of her cutting board that was labeled on the side for garlic and onions. She wrote, “This is how I organize my…” I should stop talking about her. Not just because I am obsessed with her but because what if you’re not. These are things I am thinking about. So Jessica Seinfeld is a blonde now. The other issues of the day I want to cover are as follows: I want to thank everybody who posted, or congratulated and said nice things about the pilot I am writing for me and Billy to star in and for Poehler to produce. That just made my day. Tuesday was like a really good birthday/ this is your life/graduation. It was great. It felt really good. I thank you so much for posting about it. The other thing I wanted to mention is that the cannibal cop is now cooking in jail.

The Cannibal Cop has now become a chef according to the New York Post which is my source for Cannibal Cop news. I will tell you that two days ago I said out loud, “What’s going on with Cannibal Cop? Did DeBlasio pardon him? Is he still in jail? Are he and Michael Alig going around and pranking Bodegas together? I hadn’t heard anything about him in a long time and then as though by sweet reward, as though someone were listening, I wake up to a text from Spoony that said the Cannibal Cop is making pizzas in jail and even the guards say that they are delicious. I wrote back, “This news alone has motivated me to at least move my toes around.”

The Cannibal Cop is, as you know a terrible cannibal because he never actually ate anybody, he just made extensive plans to murder his wife who he met on OK Cupid and also to abduct ladies and eat their ‘girl meat’. He never went through with it which makes him a bad cannibal. Honestly, a bad cop when you think about it because he left a paper trail. He left a trail of horny stupid emails saying, “I think my oven might be suitably large to fit the girl meat. We braise…She will taste so good when I fricassee...” There are just ridiculous things that he didn’t have the decency to delete and clear the cache. The Cannibal Cop, who never ate anybody, but really wanted to, is making enchiladas? I am going to find the article.

I am obsessed with the Cannibal Cop. I tried to start a relationship with him from the outside world. He did not answer my emails. Here we go, 'Cannibal cop' cooking breakfast and lunch for inmates, guards in lower Manhattan prison

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/nyc-crime/cannibal-cooking-inmates-guards-prison-article-1.1783911#ixzz3C0NMFDXA

Oh it’s the Daily News, my apologies, not the Post. What’s great about New York tabloids is what they will do is take someone’s face and put it on another person’s body. They took Cannibal Cops smiling face and put it on top of the body of a chef holding up a plate with spaghetti on it. It looks like he’s ladling sauce and he’s also wearing an orange jumpsuit that says DOC because that’s Department of Corrections, dumb dumb.

The so-called cannibal cop is working as a jailhouse cook — and there’s not a single woman on the menu. Gilberto Valle, 30, makes breakfast and lunch daily for his fellow prisoners in a kitchen at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in lower Manhattan. He earns 44 cents an hour in perhaps the most ironic jail work assignment in recent memory.

“He has mastered making pizza,” his mother, Elizabeth Valle, told the Daily News. The pizza is so good, she said, even the jail guards like to eat it.

What else does he make? I am scanning the article because there are details about the case. We all know about the chats that he had on darkfetishnet.com. We all know about bringing his girlfriend Kathleen to Pakistan where ha and another pervert would ‘butcher’ her together. What I want to know is what his specialty is for a dessert. What does he do? Does he do a pudding? A cheescake? I can’t find any information about that.

Let me go on Gothamist. Gothamist will probably have the scoop. I love Gothamist. Here we go. It’s a cover story!

http://gothamist.com/2014/05/08/cannibal_cop_is_jailhouse_cook.php

The Daily News renews our faith in tabloid journalism today with its gleeful cover story about the so-called "Cannibal Cop," who is currently "stewing" in Manhattan Correctional Center while his lawyers file appeals. In an interview with former officer Gilberto Valle's mother, the News learns that her son—who faces up to life in prison for conspiring to kidnap and eat several women—is working as a chef in the jail. His specialty, sources say, are his "Wardenchiladas." "'Don’t stand too close to the oven, and that kind of thing,'" is what Valle's fellow inmates are known to quip, according to his mother Elizabeth Valle,

Well that’s nice—Wardenchiladas. A warden is someone who works in a jail right? That’s funny. Everyone has a good time. God bless you Gothamist. They posted Cannibal Cop’s OKCupid profile. That’s no good. He writes that his favorite foods are Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, I’ll try anything and I’m not picky at all. Boy oh boy, wow, be careful out there everybody. Be Careful online dating world.

I have been spending a lot of time online. This is a crazy week. I have been working on this show. We pitched it almost a year and a half ago. I wrote the script last Christmas. We’ve been sitting on this news like a hen with so many eggs under her rump. It broke and I hear from people I have never wanted to hear from, people I do want to hear from, and Facebook people are so nice. Inevitably I get an email from an older person who is super-weird with an AOL address who says congrats and in the body of the email they paste the article that said I am doing this pilot, like I don’t know. If that’s all I have to complain about at this point, I will take it—to the bank!

If only there were bank to be accrued. Juliette Lewis said Congratulation to me and Billy on Twitter which is insane because we have never met her, but we do have strong opinions about her corn rows. I also wanted to mention that Rihanna looked the best at the Met Gala. Period. The End. I am concerned about Chloe Sevigny if you see what she wore. That Pharrell hat that Erykah Badhu did a bigger version of looked like ‘hankering for a hunk of cheese’ guy. If you type in hanker for a hunk of cheese you will find a cartoon from the 1970s in which a lanky man with a tiny torso and a prominent nose wearing cowboy boots and Pharrell’s hat would traipse down what seems to be a set of a Western. He’s sing a song about how he was so hungry he could eat a wagon wheel. He talked about how eating cheese was a great idea. In the 1970s we needed to make sure children were eating enough cheese.

I missed another Star Wars Day, May the Fourth… How long has that been a thing? Whatever you do, do not tell me. I just watched Alice Cooper videos all day that day. My Alice Cooper obsession is still running very hot. Kevin Spacey appears to be really stepping on the gas when it comes to his mission to not appear like a creepy icy person that would just stab you in the face for 50 cents. He’s doing great. He appeared on Jimmy Fallon. One of the bits they do is a barber shop quartet. Kevin Spacey joined them. It sounds nightmarish. Kevin Spacey will jump at any opportunity to do what he learned in acting school. He likes Jack Lemmon too much. There’s a kind of a person that likes him too much. Jack Lemmon was wonderful. You’d think there is no such thing as liking him to much but there is when you talk about it all the time. In fact are we sure that Kevin Spacey didn’t kill Jack Lemmon just to eat him and inherit his spirit. I don’t know. It doesn’t seem impossible.

The Comeback is going to get another season which is wonderful news for all of us who worship at the temple of Valerie Cherish, a character ahead of her time and a show way ahead of its time. Remember when people tore apart the fourth season of Arrested Development even though we loved, loved, loved Arrested Development when it was on DVD and on the air? We were so excited and then people trashed the fourth season like it had killed its family. People picked it apart. The internet happened. That’s what happens when you release thing as in time with the internet as opposed to later on so that the internet can learn to treasure it. The internet thinks it dug it up and found it in a treasure chest and owns the pleasure of watching it on top of having discovered it. When it happens in real time people say, “This sucks!” I liked the fourth season of Arrested Development very much, that said, the next season of The Comeback, as excited as people are, it will be ripped to shreds. Oh my god!

I have faith in my fellow gay man but I am concerned once the hounds are released the community will look like the home of a cat hoarder, a lot of picking combined with the drama of devastation. I fear that is on the horizon but god willing it won’t be.

I got a really cool post cards from David Sedaris cheering on RuPaul in regards to the controversy I alluded to a couple of weeks ago. David also mentioned that he was going to begin watching the Jim Henson Creature Shop Challenge on Syfy and my response was, David do not bother. After they sent Tina home, I stopped watching.

Monica Lewinsky—I have said this before. We will never ever ever be able to apologize enough to Monica Lewinsky. We are all Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky became a punch line because she blew the President and that was, at the time, something really funny and also ‘what a fucking whore’. We were so judgmental. I know that she is back in the news. I am really excited that she is by her own accord yet hers is a background so similar to people I know, including myself. She just happened to have been…it was the wrong time, wrong place kind of thing. Everybody made fun of her weight which was insane. She was ahead of her time in the sense that she and Anita Hill were our slut-shamed martyrs of the ’90s. What we did to them is so humiliating. I don’t know if it is beyond repair. I am happy to see Monica Lewinsky taking the reins and trying to write her own story. Monica Lewinsky you are always welcome on this podcast and in my life. I will help you be the kind of woman who is my friend.

Speaking of women, I am excited that YouTube is advertising shows they have on their website, which I just call the bank of Cher and Alice Cooper videos, at least lately. Sometimes there are cats. YouTube has had a big advertising push to make sure people know that millennial girls have tutorial videos they make themselves that teach other millennial girls how to put on makeup, wear clothing, and otherwise infatuate oneself with one’s appearance. I just want to applaud that effort. I think this is a generation in which girls are saying screw you Elle magazine; I don’t want you to tell me what kind of lip gloss to wear. I am going to tell you, or Kathy is going to tell me and show me at the same time. What about the Sephora binge videos where people go to the site buy everything and then put it all on their face at once. Girls try harder. We have to, I didn’t want to mention the Nigerian girls because it is too devastating to address in a podcast that addresses trivial topics, don’t take your education for granted. Let’s all be better. Let’s rise to the opportunities we all have been fortunate to be have been given. Also never watch that vice TV show when you are in a vulnerable mood. I did not need to see the episode about India and rape. I especially did not need to see the part on nuclear fallout and Kazakhstan and watch deformed babies. It was a lot. It was a lot. What I am trying to say is that I’m the real victim here.

I started ordering heavy items like beverages. This is embarrassing because Joe Mande was just fired as the spokesperson for LeCroix. I feel bad ordering it by the case but I do anyway. I just ordered three cases of LeCroix seltzer water. Soap.com is a website I had never used before. I remember I was introduced to Soap.com it as a notion when I was walking down my hallway and I saw a box in front of my neighbors door. It said Soap.com but I thought it said soup.com. I thought to myself that my neighbor eats a lot of soup. That’s not the case at all. I ordered seltzer form them. It came the next day. It was disturbing in terms of the time of it, disturbingly fast. There’s a motto you can pay me for in installations or in one big lump sum. I was looking at my debit card charges as I try to do daily. I spent $23.61 on seamless that made sense, Duane Reade, taxi, taxi, taxi, taxi, and then it said Diapers, Soap, Wag which seemed like some sort of awful anagram like Mr. Mojo Risin’ or Axl Rose which somebody pointed out to me on twitter is an anagram for oral sex which is the worst thing I have ever heard in my life.

It took me a minute to realize what that Diapers, Soap, Wag charge was. To see Diapers, Soap, Wag next to each other was an experience, especially since I’d forgotten what I ordered. Not that I am into numerology but there is something about the order of those letters, or is it Kabbalah? What’s the one that is dumb or just silly? I’m just saying Diapers, Soap, Wag is a really cool band that I need to you to support because I owe the lead singer money.

Finally we did not make Rolling Stone’s list of the 25 Best Comedy Podcasts. That’s ok. That list was really good at exposing talent that doesn’t usually get any press and I was very happy to sacrifice my place on the list to give people like Marc Maron and Comedy Bang Bang, which were numbers 1 and 2, the attention they deserve. It was really my pleasure to have been omitted. Ronna and Beverly were also omitted, as was the Fogelnest Files. Do you know what? I don’t have time for these lists. Have a pilot to make. Right? Right? I have to think about my hair again. It’s in between right now. It is too shaggy, but I don’t want it to be any smaller I just want the shape to be different.

We have a great show this week. We have one guest…